SusanFee.com

Staying Down

2012-01-24T02:53:00.001-08:00

Cleveland temperatures warmed up yesterday, so I ventured outdoors for my morning run. As careful as I thought I was being, I hit black ice anyway and went down hard! Perhaps you've had one of those falls where just a second ago you were up, and just like that, you're down, without a clue what happened between here and there. My first instinct was to get back up again as quickly as possible. Perhaps I was nervous someone would see my embarrassing predicament? Well, of course, I went right back down again!

It occurred to me the second time around that sometimes in life, there's value in staying down. When we stumble, it's for a reason. Getting up too quickly and forging ahead without examining the cause for our fall will lead us right back down again, eventually.

Life is an "And"

2012-01-23T07:32:00.000-08:00

Since the passing of Joe Paterno, much has been said about his life and legacy. Most of the discussion centers around whether the choices he made near the end of his career overshadow the reputation he had spent a lifetime building. In other words, was he good or bad? Without having ever met the man, I can say without a doubt that he was both. I say that because he's human, and just like the rest of us, Paterno's life was an "And."

Each and every one of us is capable of making both good and bad choices. Our hearts are capable are expressing both love and hate - sometimes for the same person. At any moment, each of us is only two or three decisions away from ruining our lives. Human beings are complex and vulnerable. It's unfair to categorize anyone as "either, or."

Perceiving someone as all bad takes away our compassion and hope for redemption or forgiveness. Assuming someone is all good will eventually lead to disappointment because people will fail us. Putting people on a pedestal only makes the fall greater and makes it harder for them to admit mistakes.

The purpose of death is to remind us how to live. Without judgment, what lessons can you take away from Paterno's death to apply to your own life? Do you have reasonable expectations of people? Do you need to reconcile a relationship? Are you living a truthful life? If you were to die today, would you be proud of the choices you're currently making? Let Paterno's legacy be that his conduct made us think about our own.

Be Glad that Life is Unfair

2011-11-26T02:51:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed that those claiming life's unfair never make the same observation when unjustly receiving something? Shouldn't the same level of indignity be displayed at finding a coin on the sidewalk, hitting a green traffic light, speeding and not getting a ticket, all the times when you didn't catch a cold, sunshine on a day off, or having the door held open by a stranger? Why not protest then?

It seems the life-is-unfair approach to living comes with a limited perspective. In order to have it, you can only focus on times when you've been wronged. Add to that a deep sense of bitterness because everyone else is "lucky." In fact, research shows those who report the highest levels of life satisfaction have experienced the most adversity.

Life is indeed unfair and I, for one, am grateful. I have received more grace and mercy than I deserve - more than I could ever earn. How well does life treat you? It all depends on your perspective.

The Four Es of Gift Giving

2011-10-31T06:35:00.000-07:00

If you've ever had the thrill of giving a gift to someone who was authentically touched by your efforts, you know what I mean when I say that giving the perfect gift is the best present you can receive. When I give a gift or offer an act of service, I use the Four Es as my guidelines:

1) Experience. A one-time experience creates life-long memories by engaging the recipient actively and emotionally. Experiences also extend pleasure due to planning, anticipation, and post-conversations. Many times experiences involve other people, adding to the excitement.

2) Educational. Learning something new that could improve a person's life and be shared with others is a gift without a shelf life. Who knows how many people will actually benefit? Talk about making an impact!

3) Economical. Gifts that are over-the-top elaborate and expensive come with strings attached that take away from the delight of giving and receiving. Givers who spend too much may feel stress later when the bill arrives or harbor expectations of how much the receiver should "enjoy" the gift. Instead, keep it affordable.

4) Environmental. Give gifts that will make a lasting imprint on the person, not the earth.

No matter what condition the economy is in, acts of service will always be a generous way to show how much you care. Everybody has a talent. Don't be shy about sharing yours with someone who can benefit.

If you need a gift ideas that meet the Four Es criteria, consider these from Susan Fee & Associates:

Booklets and E-booklets. Perfect size and price for business or personal gifts. Includes practical, easy-to-apply tips to reduce stress and increase skills.

E-Seminars. Wow! Talk about education at your doorstep (or rather, email in-box)! Imagine offering a 60-minute audio seminar and workbook filled with insights that can be repeatedly accessed.

Personal Coaching. Here's an experience that can't be duplicated. Do you know someone who would benefit from one-on-one face time with someone trained to offer appropriate levels of encouragement and challenge? Radical changes are the result. What an awesome way to positively influence someone's life.

DVDs. Arm your special person with tools and skills to manage life's challenges.

There you have it - gift-giving made easy! And, no calories. It doesn't get any better than that.

E-Motion

2011-09-24T03:30:00.001-07:00

The word "emotion" stands for energy in motion. Our feelings produce energy that needs to "move" or be expressed in a healthy way. If not, that energy builds up and cannot be contained. It will release itself in your body in the form of chronic pain, headaches, stomach upset, sleep disruption, sore throats, and tight muscles. Or, it will explode in the form of damaging words.

You can try to suppress emotions by "ignoring" them through distractions: alcohol, drugs, medication, work, relationships, gambling, TV, or Internet addiction. It won't work. You're fighting against a natural law: energy moves.

If you need help expressing your feelings in a healthy way and don't feel safe doing so, please consider these two options. Journaling is a tool that every person can use. This is not a diary of your day, but a special type of writing to help explore the underlying emotions you're experiencing and deal with them.

Second, counseling with a trained professional (versus your friends and family) provides a safe, confidential environment to express feelings and learn how to manage them in a healthy way.

My Kid is an Honor Student!

2011-09-19T03:24:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've seen these bumper stickers placed by proud parents touting the various accomplishments of their children. I think they send a dangerous message which is, my kid is worth bragging about based on performance. When children feel they have to earn their parents' love, it creates an empty pit that no to-do list will ever fill. The effect is damaging to self-worth.

This is an issue I address in 21 Days to Better Parenting. Here's an excerpt on the topic of teaching self-worth: "Children are not more (or less) worthy of love based on behavior, but worthy merely because of their existence. Separating love from performance means your child knows that your love is consistent and not regulated by grades, popularity, capabilities, appearance, or anything else."

So, the next time you want to put a bumper sticker on your car, try this message:

Change Your Life in 21 Days

2011-08-18T03:51:00.000-07:00

Twenty-one days from today, how do you want to be different? Whatever you want to change in your life requires that you recognize the habits you've developed that currently have you stuck. Research suggests that you can adopt any habit (good or bad) with 21 consecutive days of consistent behavior.

You are the sum of your habits, so by changing them you can change your life. Writer Charles Reade once said, “Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an action and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.”

The first step is becoming aware of your current choices. After all, a habit is something that occurs without thinking. How can you behave differently if you’re not sure what you’re doing right now? So, changing your habits takes more than good intentions. It takes exploration, thought, and action.

If you're ready to change your life, I want to help. I can't think of anything more exciting and fulfilling than working with people right at the moment of profound change. That has inspired my latest e-book series called 21 Days. Each installment will focus on a topic of change and includes a reflection, journaling, and action step to be completed each day for 21 Days.

The first two guides are complete and are based on the requests I have received. Please take a peek for yourself and read the sample pages: 21 Days to Becoming a Better Parent and 21 Days to Managing Your Stress.

Twenty-one days from today, how will you be different?

You Talkin' to Me?

2011-08-08T03:22:00.001-07:00

Watching the the Bridgestone Invitational on TV yesterday, I had to laugh at the spectators who "direct" a player's ball once it's been hit. It usually sounds something like, "Get there!" Perhaps it's just the enthusiasm of the moment...or maybe we think we have more power over such things than we really do.

For instance, how many sports fans record games to watch later and don't want to hear a spoiler score? Logically, we know the outcome cannot be changed, but still we cheer on our team as if we can will them to a win, even when it's already over!

This could all be harmless fun, but if you believe you actually control anything other than your thoughts, actions, and choices, you might find life a tad stressful.

Back to School: Are Your Kids Ready?

2011-07-26T02:28:00.000-07:00

If you've been shopping lately, you've seen the advertising reminders that kids will be headed back to school soon. While it may feel too early to think about school supplies, it's not too soon for parents to think about preparing their kids socially and emotionally for the transition into the new school year.

In my counseling practice, I see a lot of adolescents and young adults. Typically, it's the same three issues that trip kids up four-six weeks into the school year: stress management, conflict resolution, and relationships. With that in mind, here's how parents can start preparing students now for a successful school year.

Stress Management

Depending on what your kids have been doing all summer, it can be tough to transition into the demands of a school schedule, particularly if they have been sleeping until noon everyday. I see a lot of kids become overwhelmed trying to balancing homework, projects, and extracurricular activities.

One of the best things parents can do to help their kids manage stress is to manage it well yourself. Kids tend to reflect their parent's methods, so what are you showing them? Help kids recognize the signs of stress and prepare a handful of ways they can relax such as exercise, listening to music, reading, playing with a pet, talking with a trusted friend, journaling, or artwork. If you can teach them to express their emotions in a healthy way, it reduces blow ups and melt downs.

Above all, encourage kids to get moving on a daily basis. They don't have to be in an organized sport, but physical activity is the surest way to release stress. Help them find something they can do no matter the weather.

Conflict Resolution

Encouraging kids to address misunderstandings early, respectfully, and face-to-face (versus online) is a life-long skill. It takes practice to learn how to listen, express hurt feelings, show empathy, and find the right words to respond. Solving an issue for your kids may temporarily stop the pain, but only makes the next conflict more overwhelming.

Start by modeling healthy conflict resolution in your household. Slamming doors, texting wars, yelling, stomping off, and the silent treatment are all off-limits! College freshman who have yet to learn conflict resolution will most likely struggle with roommates. If that's the case, here's a resource to help them learn healthy ways to respond:

My Roommate is Driving Me Crazy!

If you have a daughter who runs into difficulty with a BFF who suddenly becomes an enemy, just remember, it's a learning experience! Teach her how to manage herself and the situation with these resources: Dealing with Mean Girls, Capable & Confident, or BFF! (Except When We're Not)
Relationships

The people we choose to surround ourselves with reflect how we feel about ourselves. Faced with the threat of being alone, many kids compromise their standards, assuming they are worthless without some sort of social connection. You cannot reinforce for your kids enough the fact that they are worthy simply because they exist! Teach them your standards for a healthy relationship (peer and dating). One good rule of a healthy relationship is monitoring how you feel about yourself after spending time with a person?

Provide a household that offers a supportive social network so that kids won't feel so alone that they make unhealthy choices. Let kids see you make new friends and honor close relationships so they have a good example. Don't force them to be "friends" with everyone as that is unrealistic. A better choice is to be respectful of all, but close to those who honor your values.

Help your kids learn skills in these three areas and everyone will have a much smoother school year!

26 Things to Do While Looking for A Job

2011-06-03T02:38:00.000-07:00

The current economy has a lot of people out of work and searching for a job. If you're one of them, you may be feeling discouraged. Many of my clients, fellow professionals, and close friends are out of work too, so I have personally heard many stories. While it's true that you must take your job search seriously, I'm going to go against conventional wisdom and suggest that you do not spend eight hours a day doing it.

Here's why: it's depressing to sit in front of a computer all day scanning job sites and submitting online resumes or reading the same want ads. Some people get too hung up on perfecting their resume or cover letter, having spent up to a year out of work, they sit and lament over the smallest detail. After years of coaching and hearing success stories, I'm absolutely convinced that opportunities are revealed through connections to people, not job sites. Therefore, if you're out of work, you need to be spending the majority of your time around current contacts and meeting new people. They will lead you to your next job.

But, I find the more depressed job seekers get, the less social they become. And, when they're around people, they have nothing passionate or interesting to share. That's called poor marketing! Here's what I suggest to my clients: spend 1-3 hours every day seriously searching and applying for positions. Spend the rest of the day meeting with people, pursuing hobbies, learning something new, or helping others. When you're doing something you're passionate about, you meet other people who share the same interests. They meet you at your best and perceive you as a vibrant, employable person. You have something to discuss other than the fact that you're jobless, therefore you're not complaining, or appearing too desperate.

I'm not trying to minimize the need for income. I realize that it may sound frivolous (or impossible) to spend time "playing" when you have bills to pay. My contention is that you will find employment sooner with this approach than you will by spending all day isolated and feeling depressed. With that in mind, here's a list of 26 things to do while looking for a job:

1. Read or re-read a classic novel.
2. Join a book club.
3. Start a blog.
4. Train for a running or bike race.
5. Volunteer at an animal shelter.
6. Plant a garden from seed.
7. Coach a child's sport team.
8. Try a new cooking recipe.
9. Renew an old friendship.
10. Organize a neighborhood potluck.
11. Clean and organize a cluttered space in your house.
12. Hike a trail that you've never explored.
13. Open a dictionary and learn a new word. Use it throughout the day.
14. Host a movie night. Invite 3 friends and ask each to bring an additional guest that you don't know.
15. Read your local newspaper in its entirety (not just the job listings). Share/discuss something new you learned with a friend or neighbor.
16. Volunteer to work at a community festival.
17. Volunteer to work a water station at a running race.
18. Schedule an informational interview with someone working in a field of your interest.
19. Join and participate in a local church.
20. Donate blood to the Red Cross.
21. Research a native bird or flower. Take a walk in a local neighborhood or park and see how many times you can spot it.
22. Write a handwritten letter to a friend, thanking him or her for being part of your life.
23. Volunteer to hand out programs or usher at a local theater in exchange for seeing the show for free.
24. Learn a new language by renting an audio program from the library. Test your skills by watching a foreign film.
25. Join Toastmasters and improve your public speaking skills.
26. Download my free E-Seminar, How to Speak So Others Listen. Share a tip you learned with someone else.

Have more ideas? Feel free to add them by posting a comment. I'd love to hear your thoughts, experiences, and success stories with this approach, so do share.

When Life's Messy Take a Picture!

2011-05-08T03:22:00.000-07:00

In honor of Mother's Day, I humbly share this essay for all the young moms out there who are trying to be "perfect." Don't bother! I wrote this eight years ago when my daughter was four.

It’s 12:30 A.M. My shirt is splattered in neon blue syrup, having dripped in a steady, sticky stream off my hair and face. I stand frozen, spoon in one hand, medicine bottle in the other, contemplating my next move. My assailant is sitting on the kitchen counter, defiantly staring back. Her four-year old hands are clamped over her mouth, her cheeks feverishly red. It was on my third attempt to coax medicine into my daughter’s mouth that she pulled the Bruce Lee move that sent it flying. She removes her hands long enough to scream, “I’m not taking any more medicine ever again!” And then it occurs to me: I should take a picture.

I had spent that afternoon working on Gabby’s scrapbook. Out of rolls of film, only a handful of pictures made the cut. She had to be smiling, clean, dressed in matching clothes, hair brushed. My husband even purchased a digital camera so we could immediately edit bad shots. Pictures of Gabby and me show us laughingly engaged in a way that will be flattering to me years from now. I am put-together, attentive, and never too tired to play. But standing there with Blueberry Blast Bubblegum cough syrup coagulating in my hair, I decide to end the charade. If I’m going to document her childhood, then I’m going to tell the truth.

As soon as my friends and family learned that I was pregnant, I received advice on the importance of keeping a scrapbook: “Start right away! Kids grow so fast, you think you’ll remember everything, but you won’t.” I looked at my own childhood albums, and I don’t recall most of the people or events. I do remember the time when I was five and refused to eat my dinner. I had to sit alone at the table for hours staring at a plateful of three-bean salad. No picture of that. No temper tantrums, fighting with my brother, or spitting up food. Instead, I’m twirling in tutus and blowing out candles. My mom is dressed in high heels, starched apron over her knit dress, presenting my homemade cake. Naturally, I modeled Gabby’s scrapbook after my own: never a bad day.

A lot of my friends belong to scrapbooking clubs. They have consultants who school them on the virtues of non-acidic paper, themes, stickers, and organization. I wonder if they have any decorative cutouts I can add to Gabby’s book that say, “Yucky face you made when I asked you to clean your room"?

Recently, a friend and I got together for coffee. She brought along some pictures of a party that I had attended. “Oh my gosh!” I said, “What a horrible picture!” There I was, eyelids half closed, mouth wide open, my lower jaw resting on a stack of chins. “You’ve got to get rid of this – it doesn’t look anything like me!” Was it my vanity speaking, or insecurity?

She leaned over to look, and laughed. “Actually, in that split second, that’s exactly how you looked.” I wonder what pictures are in her daughter’s scrapbook?

I think of all the ones I should have taken. In Gabby’s first Santa picture, she appears as jolly as he is. But it took an hour and half of hysterical screaming, three trips through the line, and me sitting on Santa’s lap with her before we got that shot. We have a framed picture of Gabby gazing up at me while hiking on a Technicolor fall day. She’s holding my hand, and in her other hand is a lollipop. It was either that, or haul the camera equipment back to the car when she had a fit over not being able to play near a cliff. No more! If we can have reality television, we can have reality scrapbooks. I’d like to think that someday, when Gabby is raising her own children, she’d thank me for my honesty. Wishful thinking, I’m sure. But maybe it’s not too much to hope that she understands, there are times when we are vulnerable.

I feel a ping on my left cheek. Gabby has flung the thermometer at me. I reach down to pick it up. And then I grab my camera.

Teach Girls How to Hit the Mark

2011-04-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

Ask almost any girl to name her best friend and she’ll launch into a complex rating system describing her “best friend, best-best friend, best friend that she’s currently not speaking to, best friend at school, best friend on the bus, used-to-be best friend,” and so on. In other words, it’s complex!

For girls, friends are everything and we do them a great disservice by not telling them the truth about relationships. Myth-buster #1: You can't have 80 best friends! The problem is, they don't have the language to properly distinguish all the people they know, and therefore, the criteria they choose to allow someone into their inner circle. The result? Poor choices, hurt feelings, and drama.

I developed the Friendship Bull's-eye Discussion Tool to help girls grasp the issue. The discussion questions (on the back of the product) prompt girls to think critically about their relationships choices online and in person. The bull's-eye also suggest that people flow in and out of your life for various reasons, and that's not always a bad thing.

Moms, share your story with your daughters. If you're like me, you're lucky to have 1-3 people who've made it to your inner circle and remain there today. Let's take the pressure off girls to be "friends" with everyone.

Slugs

2011-04-12T02:29:00.001-07:00

I grew up in the Pacific Northwest where the gardner's natural nemesis is the slug. As a kid, spring showers meant you had to dodge large brown blobs on the walk to school as the wetness brought them (and their trailing slime) out in droves. And, I'm embarrassed to admit that I killed my share of slugs by shaking salt on them which makes them magically melt away in front of your eyes. This is how we entertained ourselves before the invention of video games.

One of my favorite memories of my 83-year old father is when I called him one day from my home in Cleveland to chat and ask what he was doing. "Well!" he started out, "I've had quite the day so far!" This spiked my interest. What could he be up to on a rainy Seattle day?

"I've spent all morning tracking a slug trying to get across the back deck! Do you know how long and hard he has to work?"

Now before you go thinking this is a sad story - that once you hit your 80's, all you have to look forward to is watching the progression of a slug, think again. My father was dedicated to learning at least one new thing a day. Sometimes the lesson to learn was obvious, but some days he pushed himself to challenge an old perception - like the value of a slug.

What if you woke up everyday being curious? Instead of planning the whole day, what if your radar was set to answer, "What new thing am I to learn today?" You might just see slugs in a whole new way.

Additional ways to challenge your perception.

Did You Know This?

2011-04-11T02:38:00.000-07:00

Here's part two of Counseling Myths and Facts:

Myth: If I admit I need counseling, I’ll be branded for life.

Asking for help when struggling is the smart thing to do, not a sign of personal weakness. Mental illness is treatable. Counseling helps people address their issues now so that they’re not branded for life.

Myth: The counselor will tell me I’m mentally ill and put me on medication.

Counselors are qualified to diagnose and treat mental illnesses, but not prescribe medication. In some situations, a counselor may refer a client to a psychiatrist to discuss drug treatment in addition to talk therapy. Whether or not a client takes medication is always a personal choice.

Myth: If I go once, they’ll make me keep coming back.

Counseling is completely voluntary. Clients can quit at any time. A counselor’s goal is to help a you feel better, not to keep you in counseling for life.

More tips for Building Resiliency, Recovering from Disappointment, and Managing Conflict.

Counseling Myths and Facts

2011-04-10T04:11:00.000-07:00

When people find out I'm a therapist, a common question I receive is, "How can you stand to listening all day to people's problems? Isn't it depressing?" Quite the contrary! I spend little time talking about problems and most discussing solutions. Therefore, I really love my job because it's invigorating and inspirational to work with people at a point in their lives when they want to change for the better. Who wouldn't want to do that all day?

That's just one of the misunderstandings about counseling. In honor of Counseling Awareness Month, I'd like to bust a few more myths:

Myth: My problems aren’t big enough to need counseling.

People don’t have to be sick to want to feel better. If you're frustrated enough that a problem is having a negative effect on your life, that is reason enough for counseling. Sometimes people just need to vent. Just like physical sickness, it’s better to address things sooner rather than later.

Myth: Counselors give advice and tell you exactly what to do.

Friends give advice; counselors help people find their own solutions. That means that counselors will not tell you what to do but rather ask questions to help you discover what you can do for yourself.

Myth: Talking about my problems will only make them worse.

In order to solve something, it must be acknowledged. But counselors don’t dwell on problems. They focus on solutions. They’ll help you figure out what’s causing a situation and discover better ways to deal with it.

Brave Enough to Ask Your Kids?

2011-04-07T03:04:00.000-07:00

Are you brave enough to ask for feedback? Most of us cringe at the thought of hearing others' opinions unless we know it will be positive. I'd guess most of us are far more fragile on the inside than we'd ever admit.

Yet as parents, we don't hesitate to give all sorts of unsolicited feedback to our children! Many times parents only speak up when kids are misbehaving. If they're acting well, parents don't really notice or they don't want to ruin a good thing.

What if the tables were turned and your kids were able to give you feedback? Even better, what if you asked for it? One of the most empowering moments I facilitate in family counseling is giving each family member a chance to offer feedback with an exercise called Stop, Start, Continue. Here's how it sounds:

"One thing I'd like you to stop is..."
"One thing I'd like you to start is..."
"One thing I'd like you to continue is..."

This frames feedback in a respectful way that's not overwhelming. When kids know they can have a voice in the family and be heard, their relationship with you flourishes.

New Perspective

2011-03-29T02:37:00.000-07:00

The most valuable lesson I learned as a young journalist is that I don't have to know how to do everything myself, I just need to know who and what to ask. It gave me the confidence to explore novel situations knowing that the answers would be there if I ask. In fact, as soon as I'm in a place where I feel I know all the answers, I'm not really living. I'm stagnant.

Over time, I've also learned that different questions lead to different perspectives. It is the oddball inquiry that leads to the most interesting discoveries.

Do you stick with the obvious questions? Or, will you be the one to dig deeper? The question is not if the glass is half full or empty, but rather, where did the water come from in the first place and how can I get more of it?

NE Ohio clinicians: Are your clients and patients asking the right questions? Join me Saturday April 16 at Lakeshore Educational & Counseling Services for Encouraging Clients to Become Solution-Focused (3 hr CEU).

The Non-Apology

2011-03-16T04:43:00.000-07:00

So sorry Gilbert Gottfried, I do not accept your apology regarding your insensitive jokes about Japan. That is if you really apologized in the first place. Did you?

Here's what you've been quoted as saying on Twitter: "I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan." So if I wasn't offended, you're not sorry as you didn't really do anything wrong? You're just sorry at me being offended?

Here's your follow up: "I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families." Hmm. It seems to me that the more explaining and justifying you have to provide, the less sincere the apology. This statement is all about you - what about the impact of your words on others?

Just to be clear, I'm all about forgiveness. Heaven knows, I've needed it plenty of times in my own life and will many times more. Yet, there's a lack of accountability here. A sincere apology has three important steps:

1. Own your behavior without blaming others, justifying, or explaining. Just own it.
2. Acknowledge the impact of your words and actions had on others. Make no assumptions, and no minimizing the feelings of others.
3. Commit to changing your future behavior and then do so consistently.

Try again Mr. Gottfried. Please. To save you some time, I'll list some other non-apology statements to avoid:

"Sorry you feel that way."
"If I did anything wrong, I'm sorry."
"Sorry, but I didn't mean it."
"Sorry this incident occurred."
"Sorry, I had no idea you were so sensitive."

More tips on Overcoming a Negative Impression.

Power of One

2011-03-11T15:23:00.001-08:00

Parents are probably familiar with the terms "bully" and "target" but the role we really need to focus on is "bystander." Bystanders comprise 90% of the kids in school. They are the ones witnessing bullying taking place, but don't speak up. There are various reasons for their silence: fear, lack of skills, or their parents have coached them to mind their own business and not get involved. It's time to get involved.

Dateline NBC produced an excellent segment on bullying highlighting the power of the bystander. As soon as one kid speaks up, others gather the courage to join him or her. It's a slow turn of the tide, but eventually peer pressure can have a positive effect by inhibiting bullying behaviors.

It's imperative that bystanders learn skills to speak up. Not every kid is equipped to take on the bully, but they can reach out to the target and remove that student from a bad situation. This one act will end negative behavior faster than trying to teach empathy to a child who is bullying.

If you need help in teaching these skills, here are a few resources. First, a good counselor can coach children in assertive communication skills. If you have a daughter, I have several resources to build positive social skills including an E-Seminar, DVD, and CD.

For teachers and mental health professionals living in NE Ohio, please join me on May 11 at Lorain Community College. I'll be teaching solution-focused strategies for bullying along side the staff of Campus Impact. Our goal is to provide specific tools and exercises to address all roles in the bullying cycle.

Miracle Whip: Love It or Hate It?

2011-02-25T03:41:00.000-08:00

I hate Miracle Whip, what about you? Kraft wants your opinion as prompted by their new ad campaign. While I detest their product, I love these ads! Purposely designed to polarize, they also clearly define the product and make it memorable. Are you brave enough to be so bold?

When you're marketing yourself, know this: no one remembers neutral. Be confident enough to stand for something. Have an opinion. You don't have to be crass or rude - but if you spend all your days trying not to offend people, we will have missed out on getting to know the real you.

P.S. If you're going to splurge, make it real mayonnaise...

Trust is an Inside Job

2011-02-19T03:08:00.000-08:00

How do you know who to trust? If you've been hurt by others more than once, you may believe that you can't trust anyone. How can you be sure who's trustworthy? Some people trust everyone fully until they've have reason to believe otherwise.

Learning who and how to trust is an inside job. It doesn't start by evaluating others, it starts by knowing yourself well enough to trust your instincts. Your own values become the barometer of trust by which you measure other people and circumstances. If you don't trust yourself, then you continually look outward for others to define it for you. Start with defining your values. What do you stand for? What's your definition of respect? Love?

You will meet people in your life who will encourage you to override your values. They will minimize your feelings. They will present a case against everything that is true for you.

Don't trust them.

Paul Newman Eyes

2011-02-10T16:19:00.000-08:00

Years ago, I remember watching a 60 Minutes feature on Paul Newman. Leslie Stahl was the interviewer and she began the produced package with his film clips, philanthropy work with his food products that help fund his camp for kids, Hole in the Wall. She mentioned his long marriage to Joanne Woodward and his interest in car racing.

Then the interview began. Her first question was about his strikingly blue eyes. He became noticeably agitated and cold. She asked him what was wrong, thinking I suppose, she just had given a compliment. I never forgot his response: "I had nothing to do with my eye color." He went on to explain that he does not deserve praise for something he didn't earn. Wow.

When you think about the praise we give kids or employees, it's often about things they never earned! For instance, my daughter has olive-colored skin. She often receives complimentary remarks on this, but what is the effect? She could start to believe her self-worth is tied to an external measurement - something she has no control over. This is a self-esteem killer.

Praise process, effort, and progress. Give God credit for the rest.

Learn more on raising self-esteem in girls.

The Roommate and Mental Illness

2011-02-05T03:13:00.000-08:00

"The Roommate" opened in theaters this weekend and judging by the previews alone, I'm guessing it will cause a dramatic rise in requests for single rooms for college-bound students. But, there's a reason colleges don't offer an abundance of single rooms: there's enormous value in learning how to live with someone else, especially when things aren't going well.

Is a student likely to have a roommate who is mentally ill? Possibly, and don't let that scare you. I speak as a clinical counselor and one who spent some time in a college counseling office. I also interviewed students from across the country for my book on conflict resolution, My Roommate is Driving Me Crazy!

College campuses are a microcosm of society, representing a small sample of our population. And guess what? In the real world, a small percentage of people are experiencing mental illness, that means a percentage of the college population is too. Perhaps the most prevalent is depression. Many times depression goes untreated since it's confused with teen moodiness. The stresses of college life like romantic break ups, finances, grades, and finding a job can affect an already vulnerable person. Anxiety rises for the same reasons.

College life can reveal early signs of alcohol and drug dependency, eating disorders, and self-injury. These are all diagnosable mental illnesses and all can be treated! However, many students go undiagnosed. This is the value of having a roommate.

Educating students on the signs of mental illness is imperative. Friends and roommates are the first ones to notice when a student is not well or is acting odd. In the majority of cases when a student living on campus has acted violently, the roommate was aware something was not right, yet did not report it. Campus life should not be about "minding your own business" or "keeping to yourself." We need students - and the rest of society - to reach out and help those in need.

Don't let "The Roommate" scare you into thinking that living alone at college is the safest thing to do. Quite the opposite.

The Pitch

2011-02-02T04:45:00.001-08:00

My book club meets tomorrow night to discuss our latest read, eat great food, socialize, and pitch ideas for our next book choice. Most of you know, I speak professionally for a living. I've been in front of some tough crowds and survived just about every speaking mishap possible. There isn't much that can throw me anymore. Still, pitching to this group of smart, opinionated, well-read women makes me nervous. It has to be spot-on or it's over with a resounding, "No..doesn't sound interesting." Decision time: about 30 seconds.

Unlike most of my book club friends, I favor non-fiction. I can't tell you the thrill I get when they choose one of my book ideas. It means that I successfully "read the room" and "sold" my idea. Often that means skipping the description on Amazon.com and designing my own. It's all about matching the message to the audience.

My book club may not sound like your idea of fun (my husband would agree with you), but we're all pitching our ideas to someone. Who's your audience? Children, bankers, sales clerk, spouse? How successful are your pitches?

Different Strokes

2011-01-27T10:14:00.001-08:00

I've decided to participate in the Cleveland Triathlon (sprint distance) on August 7th and that means I've taken up swimming again after a 37-year hiatus. Twice a week, I head to the local pool and complete as many laps as I can before sinking. I swear the seniors doing laps with me starred in Cocoon! Their stamina puts me to shame.

It always amazes me how many muscles go unused in my body, even when I think I've been exercising them all. It's not until I do something new that I learn differently. And that's the point about constantly doing something new or challenging. The brain and body thrive on novelty. With each stroke, I imagine new synapses firing off in my brain, keeping me more alive and alert through out the day. It's the reason I'm excited for my weekly workouts, even though my arms ache and I'm in the slow lane.

A value-added benefit of learning something new is that it may cause waves for someone else. This morning, I was doing my laps and an elderly man stopped me. "Why are you here?" he asked. Confused, I told him I was exercising. "But, why are you here now?" he pressed. Soon, I understood I was in "his" lane. He wanted to know my future schedule and why it was I just showed up ...during the open swim time! I had a chance to practice my conflict resolution skills and he got the chance to learn a bit more flexibility.

Here's my challenge for you: Learn to do something new. You'll feel more energized and have something interesting to talk about when someone asks, what's new?

I Just Want to be Happy!

2011-01-20T02:36:00.000-08:00

A lot of people come into my counseling office with the goal of being happy. What they mean is, they don't want to feel sad, angry, depressed, or any other uncomfortable emotion. But, we cannot selectively numb our feelings. If you attempt to pick and choose the ones you want to experience and ignore the rest, you're actually bringing the veil down on all of them.

We have a spectrum of emotions that blend into the next one, just like the color wheel. If you've ever purchased a customized color of paint, you'll see when it's mixed that multiple colors are combined to create the one color you want. Remove one element and you've changed the shade.

Trying to be happy all the time means you want to eliminate the lows. Sounds good, except that the only way we know and appreciate happiness is by comparing it to the times when we're not.
All feelings serve a purpose. Are you living in black and white or technicolor?

Hide-and-Seek in Narnia

2011-01-12T07:57:00.000-08:00

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

When my husband and I were new in our careers, we moved frequently as he worked his way up the corporate ladder. To date, I've lived in eight states. While moving can be tough, we loved exploring new cities with fresh eyes. We were amazed how many cool things each location offered that life-long residents took for granted or had never experienced. We vowed to keep up our sense of adventure and remain curious, no matter where we lived.

That sense of curiosity took me to the south island of New Zealand for a two-week family hiking trip. Who would have dreamed that I would spend two hours playing hide-and-seek amongst the breathtaking scenery where The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe was filmed?
Flock Hill, where filming was done for The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe (shown below). The BEST place ever to play hide-and-seek!

Aslan's Rock

“All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.” - Martin Buber

During my journey, I struck up conversations with people from all over the world and ran into one who lived just two hours away. I tried new foods (Vegemite sandwich and Pavlova Cake-pass, Ginger Beer and Lolly Cake-big thumbs up), and experienced amazing views like this one on my way to Mt. Cook.

"Room" with a view of Mt. Cook

“Once you have traveled, the voyage never ends, but is played out over and over again in the quietest chambers. The mind can never break off from the journey.” – Pat Conroy

Gondola View of Queenstown on New Year's Day,2011.

"No journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within." ~Lillian Smith

Kiwi Bird Crossing

"Kiwis don't go around, they go through." This was tour guide Lauren's advice to me as I was contemplating my navigation of a stream. Apparently native New Zealanders (kiwis) are a bit tougher than Americans. It occurred to me how universally helpful her philosophy is in all life matters. Too often, I'm wasting time going around big issues rather than addressing them head on. I got my feet wet...and survived.

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.” – Henry Miller

Living a 3D Life

2010-12-26T02:13:00.000-08:00

What if you went to the movies, and it was YOUR life showing on the big screen? Would it be two or three dimensional? What makes a three-dimensional picture so cool is the addition of depth. Both in movie making and life, adding depth takes a lot more time and work. It’s costlier upfront, but has the potential of a big payoff.

Movies in 3-D involve you in the experience versus allowing you to be a spectator. Ever feel like you’re removed from life, watching from a distance? Fear, pain, and guilt separate us from a deeply lived life, but they don’t have to. No more skimming the surface in 2011! Tips on adding dimension to your life are included in my upcoming January (free) E-Zine. Sign up to receive it here and check out past tips.

A Year of Firsts

2010-12-24T03:53:00.001-08:00

If you've suffered a loss this year, holidays or special occasions can be especially emotional since they are the first ones without your loved one. The initial loss is hard, sometimes a shock. But then the year unfolds and the impact of that person's absence becomes more concrete.

After losing my Dad in April, my year started with Father's Day, then came his birthday, Thanksgiving, and now Christmas. My year of firsts won't be completed for another six months. If you have a similar experience, here are a few tips to ease the pain:

Honor the Whole Story. When you think of the person you lost, remember their whole life, not just their death. In grief, we often limit our focus to a difficult ending rather than acknowledging better times.

Start a New Tradition. Your loved one may have been central to a holiday tradition making it painful for you to carry it out. Instead, start a new tradition that honors that person's memory, but gives you a way to move forward.

Keep Talking. It's healthy to keep talking fondly about the person you miss, noting what he or she taught you, what would make him laugh, or how she would have reacted to something. They are alive in your heart and woven into your story as long as you keep them present.

Find Community. Deep periods of grief can keep you socially isolated, afraid of getting too close to anyone and getting hurt again by loss. Protecting yourself in that way actually hurts more. All of us will suffer loss. It's possible to find great comfort knowing someone else understands our pain. Reach out to friends, church community groups, or grief support groups.

Share the Lesson. While there is sadness in loss, that's not where your story is meant to end. If your loved one was meaningful to you, then there are lessons from their passing that you're meant to learn and share. The purpose of death is to remind us how to live.

For more support, here are two resources I recommend:

Building Resiliency: 68 Coping Strategies for Surviving & Thriving During Adversity

Bouncing Forward: How to Respond Positively to Life's Challenges

Save the Drama For Your Mama

2010-12-22T03:02:00.001-08:00

Oh the drama of school girls on winter break! Parents of daughters, be prepared for the possibility of friendship blowouts over the next two weeks. Girls are desperate to stay connected and without school contact, they'll be online and texting more. No one wants to be left out of the loop. Girls who didn't secure get-togethers over the break start to feel lonely and socially isolated. I'll be on Cleveland's WKYC TV tomorrow (12/23) during Good Company (10-11 am) with advice for parents in this situation. Meanwhile, for immediate help, be sure and check out my Facebook Fan Page for a ONE DAY offer. If you have a daughter, you don't want to pass this up!

Time Management Doesn't Exist

2010-12-18T02:36:00.001-08:00

There's no such thing as time management. No matter what you do, you still have 24 hours each day, just like everybody else. Forget claims of "squeezing one more hour" into your day. The more you focus on manipulating the clock, the more frustrated you'll become. Here's what you do have: SELF management. You have control over the choices you make within that 24 hours.

We often blame "time" for "getting away from us," when the truth is, we got away from ourselves. Use the time you do have to clarify your values, then support them with behavior. The more streamlined you become in what's important to you, the less distracted you'll become when it comes to fitting it in.

What if you organized your day based on energy management? In other words, you scheduled things that take energy, but also activities that give you energy. That decision alone can lead to improved self management!

If you want to attain this level of clarity in your life and aren't sure how to get there, personal coaching can help. Investing in your personal growth - now that's a good use of time!

Problems Don't Lead to Solutions

2010-12-14T01:57:00.000-08:00

Imagine you were lost and asked someone for directions. What if the person replied, "I can tell you how to get there, but first, tell me everywhere you've been so far." Crazy, right? The same philosophy applies when we endlessly examine our problems looking for solutions. In most cases the problem has nothing to do with the solution! If you ask a person what's wrong and what they want to happen, you will receive two different answers.

As a counselor, if I ask a fighting couple what's wrong, believe me, they will have no trouble filling an hour with complaints! But, if I ask what they want, the answers usually include improved communication, respect, validation, and trust. What a difference!

So, are you problem or solution-focused? What do you find yourself talking about most? To move in a forward direction, ask yourself these questions:

1. What's going right?
2. What do I want more of?
3. When are the times my problem is less intense or absent? How can I create more of those moments?

Overflow

2010-12-11T03:20:00.001-08:00

I was honored to be the keynote speaker for this year's Caregiver Advocacy luncheon in Marietta, OH. Non-paid caregivers are usually family members who are called on to provide 24/7 care for someone whose health has declined. It can be for a spouse, parent, or ill child. It is selfless work and a story close to my heart since my father was forced into that role in 1977.

In April of that year, my mother had a massive stroke leaving her in a vegetative state. I was 12, and although I helped out, my father shouldered the brunt of the responsibility. When he vowed to stay married through, "better or worse," he meant it. The experience shaped my life and provided many lessons that I was able to share with those honored yesterday.

The hardest thing to do is to convince a caregiver to take care of him or herself. Caring for others must come from our overflow, created when we invest in those things that fill us up. The mistake is dipping into our reserves until our bucket is completely empty. It's too easy for feelings of anger and resentment to seep in. One can start thinking and acting like a victim.

The only anecdote to the empty bucket syndrome is to realize that filling yours is not selfish, but necessary! Start by engaging in those activities that give you energy. Examples include attending church, doing something creative, building, exercising, reading, socializing, gardening, cooking for fun, and journaling. Learn to PLAY again. Laughter is a sure sign that you're hitting the overflow point and can start filling the bucket of others.

Thank you to my father, Dick St.John, for the many lessons shared during his 82 years, particularly the 13 spent selflessly taking care of my mother.

Give Gifts that Keep On Giving

2010-12-07T02:55:00.000-08:00

What do you give someone who has everything? How about an investment in that person's future success? Yes, it's possible to give a very meaningful, personalized, environmentally-sensitive gift with one click of your mouse. AND as it should be with all good giving, you receive something in return too!

Here's the offer you can't pass up: Give your special someone a Personal Coaching Session. If they live outside of NE Ohio, the session can be held by phone. When you place your order, you'll receive your choice of one of my E-Seminars at no additional charge! That's a $25 value in addition to finding the perfect gift for that hard-to-shop-for person.

If YOU are the special person you're thinking of, go right ahead! Order a coaching session for yourself and you'll still receive the E-Seminar.

Have a lot of people to shop for? Don't forget my other Holiday Offer! Order 25 or more Tips Booklets (at $2.50 each) and receive your choice of a free E-Seminar!

Hurry - both offers end December 23.

Happy Holidays!

Give it Away

2010-11-26T14:41:00.000-08:00

I'm a huge fan of Panera Bread. Since the restaurant is close to my counseling office, I eat lunch there often. Even my 11-year-old daughter is hooked on their Black Bean Soup. But really, the reason she loves Panera is the free bread samples. If you've ever visited Panera, you know what I'm talking about. As soon as you walk in the door, there's the basket of samples. It's the next best thing to sliced bread: FREE sliced bread!

This is a brilliant marketing move and one we should all follow. As soon as patrons walk in the door, they get something. They're happy customers! They didn't have to jump through hoops, sign up for a credit card, or become a "loyal" customer before receiving something. And, the sample teaches them about what Panera has to offer.

In a tough economy, we're often reluctant to give away our product or service. This is not the time to act stingy! If you fear that giving something away means you have less to sell, then you're in the wrong field. One sign that you're using your strengths is that you have an abundance of ideas and products to offer. Share the overflow with those you are meant to serve. It's the best marketing you'll ever do - plus it's the right thing to do.

On that note, have you checked out my free E-Seminar? Just click on the link for a 30-minute podcast and workbook download. Easy. While you're at it, sign up for my free monthly E-Zine, Communication Tip Sheet. You'll also find my free video tips posted on YouTube, with more to come.

And, how about this holiday offer? Purchase 25 or more of any tips booklet and receive a 60-minute E-Seminar of your choice for FREE! That's a $25 value!
Tips booklets make fantastic stocking stuffers or a business Thank You with value. Add one of your business stickers to the front or inside cover for a customized message. Then, educate yourself with a free E-Seminar of your choice! Place your online order for 25 or more tips booklets and I'll contact you personally for your bonus E-Seminar download. Hurry, offer ends December 23!

Now, what are YOU going to give away today?

Long-Term Success

2010-11-23T02:53:00.001-08:00

Our team staying warm just before running their path to success!

"I did it!" Eleven-year-old Shanna was beaming at her accomplishment. She had just finished her first 5K along with 200 other local girls from Girls on the Run. I had the privilege of running/walking along side of her in Sunday's Cleveland Fall Classic. We were surrounded by 1,000 other runners, but all that mattered for me was that Shanna cross that finish line. It helped when she saw her family in the home stretch, cheering her on with pride. She got a burst of energy, we held hands, and she sprinted to the end.

Our team trained 10-weeks for this moment. For most of these girls, it is the biggest goal they've ever achieved. Children today don't often have the opportunity of completing a long-term goal. We've set them up for instant gratification, so if rewards aren't paid off in minutes, they're off to something else. Yet it is in the working and earning for a goal over time where confidence is built.

You better believe these girls made their parents proud on Sunday. But, more importantly, these girls were proud of themselves.

Follow This Recipe

2010-11-14T03:43:00.000-08:00

Backstage with Guy Fieri

There are thousands of chefs in the world, so what makes Guy Fieri stand out? It's more than his spiked, blonde hair. I met Fieri backstage at Cleveland's Fabulous Food show and watched his show. He's passionate and energetic on and off stage. He has what the producers of all successful Food Network shows want: personal stories.

This is a recipe for success we all need to follow. Whatever your profession, I guarantee you, thousands of others do the exact same thing. On paper, you're forgettable. The only thing that makes any of us stand out is our personal perspective shared through stories.

Guy's prep food fridge also included personal stories...

The best stories come from living a full life. Break out of what everyone else is doing and go explore your passions. Develop your interests and hobbies. Learn something new, meet new people, observe your world. These are the things that make you unique! Anyone worried about job security or how to stand out in an interview needs to remember what Guy Fieri knows: no one can compete with your personal perspective.

Sous chefs prepping behind the stage of the Fabulous Food Show.
Prep your "show" by developing stories from your life.

Everyone has a story! Make the most of yours.

How is Stress Different from Depression?

2010-10-28T09:05:00.000-07:00

Are you stressed or depressed? It can be hard to tell. The symptoms can appear very similar and at times, co-mingle, but there are some stark differences. Namely, in stressful situations, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But, depression is far more pervasive. It can feel like there's nothing that you, or anyone else can do to lift the dark cloud.

Tough economic times combined with the winter blahs and the upcoming holiday season may leave you feeling overwhelmed. If you're concerned for yourself, or someone else in your life, here are the signs to watch for:

Symptoms of Stress

Symptoms of Depression

Disrupted sleep cycle

Disrupted eating patterns

Physical ailments

Loss of memory/hair

Extreme behavior

Negative impact on relationships

Experienced for at least two weeks or longer

Persistent, sad, anxious, empty mood

Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, guilt

Loss of interest in things that used to be fun

Disrupted sleep/eating cycles

Lack of concentration

Thoughts of suicide

More Facts about Depression

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, major depressive disorder affects approximately 14.8 million American adults, or about 6.7 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.
Highly treatable with professional help! The most successful treatment results include talk therapy, and in some cases, medication in combination. Anti-depressants can provide a window of opportunity to change behavior, but a pill alone will not change negative thought patterns.
Take the National Mental Health Association’s online depression screening at http://www.depression-screening.org
Contact your Employee Assistance Program or Insurance Company for help finding a qualified mental health provider. If you live in NE Ohio and would like to schedule an appointment with Susan Fee, call Lakeshore Educational & Counseling Services at 800-600-5327.

Run Like a Girl!

2010-09-26T03:04:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling you get when you achieve a BIG goal? Part disbelief, part celebration, part panic because now you need a new goal? Well, I'm still riding high on that feeling after completing my first marathon in Akron, Ohio in 5:21.

I ran in memory of my father, who died on April 18th. The last time I spoke with him was by phone three days earlier, on my 46th birthday. He called to wish me a good day, but in retrospect, I understand he was calling to say, goodbye. At the moment he called, I was standing in the bookstore with a marathon training guide in my hand. We discussed my goal and he offered his enthusiastic support, as always. I couldn't think of a better way to honor his life than to dedicate this moment to him. I ran it just the way he'd want me to: smiled the entire time, greeted and thanked all the supporters along the way, and appreciated my finish no matter how long it took me.

So this one's for you, Dad! Thanks for encouraging me to live life to the fullest, and may this serve as inspiration to others to do the same.

Standing with my 11-year old daughter at the start. After telling her that it would take me at least five hours to finish, she asked, "What are you going to do for five hours?" Ha! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other...

20 miles in. Hurting, but still smiling!

Take Back Your Lunch

2010-09-04T03:15:00.000-07:00

How did you spend your last lunch hour? Were you hovered over your desk, scarfing food down in ten minutes? Maybe you skipped it altogether. Any chance, you took a break from work, ate something nutritious and took a short walk? According to author Tony Schwartz, the last option is unlikely. He says we skip lunch to be more productive, but the result is just the opposite.

I've been a fan of Schwartz's work since he wrote The Power of Full Engagement. Now he has a new book called The Way We're Working Isn't Working in which he continues his agenda of teaching readers how our minds and bodies really operate. In short, working harder does not equal better work.

His research supports other current findings about how to optimize brain power (check out Brain Rules by John Medina). Both authors note that our bodies have a natural cycle that makes us tired between 1-3 PM each day. That is so true for me! The remedy? Take a cat nap -and yes - there are companies that actually supply and promote sleeping pods so employees can recharge. Since I'm self-employed, I can take a nap whenever I want, and most days I grab some shut-eye sometime during this window. I don't feel lazy or guilty at all. To me, it's crazy that we have access to amazing details about how our brain functions, and then we ignore all the findings with old habits.

Schwartz tried to start a movement this summer to get people to take back their lunch hour. It was a clever way to promote his book, but it's also a good idea. Be brave! Take a stand. Or, a nap.

Nightmare Roommates!

2010-08-16T11:05:00.000-07:00

Thinking about saving a few bucks by taking in a roommate? Or, maybe you have a son or daughter heading off to college and you're worried about who the roommate may be? Check out this article on MSN Real Estate, Nightmare Roommates for tips from my book, My Roommate is Driving Me Crazy!

BOOMERANG KIDS

2010-08-06T03:26:00.000-07:00

When adult children move back home, it’s tough for everybody. If all goes well, your children act responsibly and are grateful for your help in getting them back on their feet. The key phrase is, “back on their feet.” In other words, the idea is that their time home is limited and they are doing all they can to return to the real world of independence. It’s when the opposite happens that a different type of help may be necessary.

Yesterday on Good Company, I discussed what to say if your adult children have turned into freeloaders. Watch the video here. It’s hard and disappointing because no parent wants to believe their children would take advantage of them, but some do. If that’s your situation, here’s an example of a conversation you must have with your son or daughter:

“I love you so much and I know you want to live on your own. I want that for you too. I realize I’ve been holding you back by doing too much for you. Because I believe you’re capable, I’m going to help you differently than I have in the past. I’m giving you a clear deadline in moving out (or other requirements like rent). If you’re not ready to meet these requirements, I trust you’ll find a different place to live at that time.”

Remember, when you do for your children what they should be doing for yourself, you’re reinforcing the message that you don’t believe they are capable.

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MODEL MOMENT

2010-06-29T05:29:00.000-07:00

In 1978, all the boys I had crushes on had one of two posters in their lockers: Farrah Fawcett and Cheryl Tiegs. I was already a gawky middle schooler with braces, glasses, and greasy skin so these constant reminders of the ideal body did nothing for my self-esteem.

Imagine my surprise when I learned that THE Cheryl Tiegs was booked as a guest on the Q104 morning show in Cleveland the week I was filling in as co-host. Talk about intimidating! But, guess what? Tiegs is now 60-some, and she was about to see one of her sons graduate from high school. We talked about parenting, how to manage your hair in humidity, and what she thought of reality TV.

I was pleased to see she has allowed herself to age naturally, without any apparent plastic surgery or botox. You don't get many chances in life to re-do a 7th grade horror story, but this one turned out just fine!

ECUADOR: FROM PAGE TO PURPOSE

2010-06-03T05:38:00.000-07:00

Reading can take you places you've never been before, or inspire you to go exploring for yourself. My trip to Ecuador began by reading about someone else's adventure. Rita Golden Gelman is the author of, Tales of a Female Nomad. She wrote about visiting the Galapagos Islands - a place I had never considered visiting before I sat down on a snowy December day and began reading.

With the help of two separate tour companies, Boundless Journeys (Galapagos Island tour) and Rustic Travel (volunteer vacations), I found myself on a plane to South America four months later. Here's a sampling of what I saw:

The obligatory "equator" picture (although researchers have now discovered the true equator line is several yards from here). I'm proud of this picture because of the two buses I took to get to this spot, despite not speaking any Spanish.

View from a tram ride in Quito, the capital of Ecuador. At the top, we reached 13,000 ft elevation. The view was amazing, but even more amazing was watching some rogue mountain bikers (with no helmets) ride their bikes down this mountain!
Each of the Galapagos Islands has completely different terrain and wildlife. One of the best hours I spent was with my daughter, here, watching sea lions surf. It was truly mesmerizing.
One of the islands we toured had so many iguanas, you had to work very hard not to step on them while walking. It felt like the Land Before Time.
We stayed with a host family while in Quito. Here's their daughter, Maria - a real life
Dora the Explorer!

Volunteering at an orphanage. These kids were adorable and so appreciative.

Dental care is so important for good health.
Here, the kids brush their teeth and spit on the ground.

Nap time.

G-MAN

2010-05-01T18:01:00.000-07:00

In loving tribute to my father, Charles Richard St. John, who died April 18, 2010. This was first published in Chief of Police Magazine. To read the entire essay, click on the link below.

The first time I ever saw my dad cry, I was eight years old. It was Father’s Day. I had made sandwich boards out of construction paper tied with yarn and placed them over the backs of our two unwilling toy poodles, Muffy and Paddy. One sign read HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! The other announced PRESENTS ON THE COUCH! I opened the door to the bedroom where he was sleeping and shoved in the message mules with clear instructions to prance in front of him. Instead, they immediately scurried under the bed and ruined the whole grand parade. I don’t remember the present I gave my dad, but it made him cry. This fascinated and scared me at the same time. I had never seen my father cry before. I didn’t know he could. Whenever I cried, he would hold me, and I would breathe in his scent, a mixture of Aqua Velva aftershave and Brylcreme. His brown eyes would meet mine, and he’d stare into a miniature version of his own face. I felt safe. But he seemed too big for me to hug him like that, so I didn’t know what to do. Finally, I asked what was wrong. “You make me so happy,” he said.

I’ve seen my dad cry only four times since: when I was 16 and planned a surprise birthday party for him, when my mother died, when I got married, and the last time in the middle of dinner while he was telling a story about work. That time he cried the most. Each time this took me by surprise just like the first time. He seemed to be caught off guard too. It’s rare to catch an F.B.I agent with his guard down. Read more (Under Features/Essays).

Standing with my Dad just before getting to ride in the Good Year Blimp, a goal he had ever since childhood. I was so happy to help him achieve it at age 82!

SELF CARE REFORM

2010-03-22T05:00:00.000-07:00

While much has been said regarding health care reform, I want to promote self care reform. Take the government out of this for a moment. What are you doing to gain or maintain your good health? This is much different than asking what will you do if or when you get sick.

We have solid research that supports that eating nutritionally sound food, exercising daily, sleeping 6-8 hours a night, managing stress, and maintaining healthy relationships will keep us healthy. Yet, few people follow this preventative prescription. What if doctors and mental health professionals were used more for maintaining health versus crisis management? I look forward to the day when I work in a health care system and not a sickness maintenance system.

As a counselor, I for one would like to do a lot more work in empowering people to gain and maintain health! Let's get proactive versus reactive. It costs less and you'll feel a whole lot better. Remember, if you're down - you're not out! Learn more about how to Bounce Forward.

HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT

2010-03-19T07:14:00.000-07:00

I just learned of an interesting program being offered in Brecksville (OH) this week called, "Hidden in Plain Sight." If you're the parents of teens, it might be a very worthwhile evening! Here are the details:

This is an interactive workshop that walks a parent through a life-size replica of a teenager’s bedroom, discussing high risk indicators such as substance abuse, underage drinking, eating disorders, and many others.

When: March 23, 2010

Time: Come early (6:30 pm) and take a walk through the interactive sample bedroom

Parents: The parent program begins at 7:00 pm and lasts until 8:30 pm

Teens: A separate youth program will be offered for teens who attend with their parents

Where: Brecksville United Methodist Church

65 Public Square

Brecksville, OH 44141

WISE ADVICE

2010-03-12T04:19:00.000-08:00

"Problems do not go away. They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit."

M. Scott Peck, psychiatrist and author of the best-selling "The Road Less Traveled."

PURPOSE OF DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIPS

2010-02-26T04:05:00.000-08:00

In his book, "The Purpose Driven Life," author Rick Warren writes about the purpose of relationships: Isolation breeds deceitfulness; it is easy to fool ourselves into thinking we are mature if there is no one there to challenge us. Real maturity shows up in relationships.

How true! Often I hear from clients who have been hurt by others that they intend to heal their wounds by going into solitude. They don't want to be committed to anyone or anything so that they don't get hurt. Yet, relationships teach us about US. We can't learn such lessons by flying solo through life.

If you have a difficult person in your life right now and you feel like running, WAIT! Perhaps that person is in your life to teach you a valuable lesson about you. If you're not sure how to manage the relationship, I've developed a new resource for you. In my new e-seminar, Dealing with Difficult People: How to Protect Yourself From Professional Button Pushers, you'll learn how to set healthy boundaries, determine when to speak up (or not), and what to say. Living in isolation may be easier, but it's not the answer.

CONVICTION

2010-02-11T02:40:00.000-08:00

I find Will Smith's passion infectious. My husband had a chance to interview him in person for his radio show and said the man lights up the room with positive energy, which is his intention.

Here's a video montage of Will Smith Wisdom. My question is not whether or not you agree with him, but rather, are you this clear on what you stand for? Can you state your own beliefs and values with the same level of conviction? Living your life on and with purpose starts with knowing what beliefs are guiding you on the deepest level.

MARATHON MILESTONE

2010-02-09T05:33:00.000-08:00

I've committed to running a marathon by actually signing up. On September 25, 2010 I'll be running in the Road Runner Akron (OH) Marathon. Now, I'm sharing my goal publicly- there's no going back now! Feel free to ask me how my training is going (which includes keeping away from the sweets I love).

The registration was interesting because it asked me to predict my completion time. By being forced to put in the number, I was setting expectations for myself. The first expectation is that I will finish, and the second is the time in my head. Now I have a self-imposed goal to meet and or beat!

On February 12, I'll be attending a lecture at the Cleveland Museum of Natural History. Steve Win is the speaker. He's a 50-state and 7-continent marathoner. Talk about goal setting. After completing his first two marathons, he learned he had cancer. Wow. Stories like his remind me that I have no reason in the world not to get up every day and live life to the fullest.

Have you run a marathon? I'd love to hear about your experiences. Please share your thoughts on my blog!

MIKE WALLACE'S DEPRESSION STORY

2010-01-17T04:58:00.000-08:00

Thank you to 60 Minutes reporter Mike Wallace for sharing the most powerful story he has ever reported - that of his 20-year battle with depression. PBS just wrapped up a series on mental health in which Wallace and his wife Mary are interviewed (link below).

His story will be helpful to many in multiple ways. First, he's honest about how bad it got. He contemplated and attempted suicide. His wife Mary found him and helped saved his life. Wallace discusses how both drug and talk therapy helped pull him through his illness. As a mental health counselor, I can't emphasize this point enough. Medication can give you a window of opportunity, but does not help you change your behavior. Wallace states how important regular exercise and social contact (behavioral changes) have helped him stay symptom-free for the last 15 years.

Mary Wallace, his wife, also shares how difficult it is to be the spouse of a person who is suffering from any mental illness and she gives great advice: "It's not your fault. Go get help yourself."

Here's the video link: Mike Wallace on Depression. If you or someone you care about is experiencing what feels like a dark, inescapable cloud please, watch this story and then get help. Depression is treatable! To learn more about the signs of depression, visit http://www.depression-screening.org.

PERCEPTION

2010-01-12T04:05:00.000-08:00

PERCEPTION

. . . Something To Think About. . .

Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007. The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approx. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.

4 minutes later:

The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

6 minutes:

A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

10 minutes:

A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly.

45 minutes:

The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

1 hour:

He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities.

The questions raised:

*In a common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?

*Do we stop to appreciate it?

*Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made.

How many other things are we missing?

GIRLS ON THE RUN!

2009-11-30T16:47:00.000-08:00

Susan with her daughter, Gabby before the race and with the team after finishing!

"I did it!" That's what 10-year-old Juli shouted as she crossed the finish line of her first 5K (3.1 miles.) I don't know who was prouder of her accomplishments - Juli, her parents, or me -her coach.

Ten weeks ago, I began training nine 5th grade girls twice a week as part of a national program called Girls on the Run. The program teaches girls about healthy body image, choices, and self-esteem through running. We were joined by about 200 other girls from local communities who also took part in the program.

When we first began, my girls could barely get through a mile without huffing and puffing. To watch them cross the finish line in Cleveland's Fall Classic was a total thrill for me. Girls who barely said a word for the first five weeks of training were giving high fives and cheering each other on. Their faces were shining and their eyes brimming with confidence. It just goes to show you what good it does to give ourselves goals we're not quite sure we can achieve, until we do.

PLEASE ACCEPT THIS GIFT

2009-11-05T05:54:00.000-08:00

The Halloween candy hasn't had a chance to go stale and the Christmas decorations are up! Wow, this year has been long is some ways and fast in others. The economy has affected many of you, I know. Businesses every where took a hit, yet we're still plugging along.

I want to give a sincere thank you to all of you who have continued to do business with me in one way or another through this time. Some of you have personally called me to let me know that when business picks up again, you will use my services. Now that's loyalty! Thank you.

If you are wanting to thank others who have continued to do business with you, I want to help. Tips booklets are a valuable yet economical way give a personalized gift. A perfect topic for just about every one at this time of year is Building Resiliency. Or perhaps other topics such as Positive First Impression, Dealing with Difficult People, or Secrets of Successful Presentations better suit your needs.

By ordering ten or more, the price drops to just $2.50 each. There's room on the cover or inside to add a personalized sticker or note. And, here's the best part. As my gift to you, for every ten you order, I will give you two more for free! Just place your order through my website, then send me an email mentioning my blog offer, and I'll make sure you receive your bonus booklets.

Thanks to all, and I hope this helps makes the end of the year a little bit easier for you!

POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT

2009-10-15T03:12:00.001-07:00

This video is a great example of changing behavior by reinforcing positive habits. What effect do you think this would have on health care reform?

Check it out here!

DOING THE LUCY WIGGLE

2009-09-07T05:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's where I eat my words! (Or, I learn not to post declarations that will burn me later). Here's the very short story of how within two months, I went from, "We are not getting a dog," to owning a dog.

We met Lucy. End of story.

Lucy came into our lives as a foster dog. She had been abused by her former owner, needed medicine for her liver disease, and a lot of attention. We could barely find her eyes because her fur was so long and matted. However, we quickly learned which end was what when she performed the "Lucy Wiggle." That's the unbelievably overjoyed, ecstatically happy dance she performs every time you enter the room - even if you were just there two minutes ago. Now, our whole family does the Lucy Wiggle. It's a great stress reliever, really.

After nursing Lucy back to health, we turned her back into the shelter so she could be adopted, just like we had agreed. Then we went on our summer vacation and my daughter cried every day. We all missed her. Halfway through vacation, the Animal Protective League of Cleveland called to tell us that past adoption efforts had failed and Lucy was ours if we wanted her.

Lucy has embedded herself into our hearts, and taught me a lesson about speaking in extremes. Here she is - before and after grooming:

Lucy is a Yorkie-Poo combo. Here she is just before getting groomed.

Wow! Let's all do the Lucy Wiggle!

My daughter and Lucy both found a spot of sunshine streaming through our front door to share an afternoon nap.

When I spotted this scene, I knew without a doubt that we had made the right choice.

SANDY & ME

2009-06-12T07:05:00.000-07:00

You may be familiar with the book, Marley & Me about a lovable yet out-of-control lab and the family that adopted him. Their story spanned years. My story takes place in two weeks because frankly, it's all I can take.

Meet Sandy, a lovable yet completely out-of-control lab mutt. Our family is fostering her through the Cleveland Animal Protective League where we are weekly volunteers. Sandy has mange (skin disease) and is staying with us temporarily until she heals. Our daughter, like most kids, was convinced she wanted a dog. This experience has taught her that what she really wanted was a trained dog, and preferably one that does need to go out at 6:00 a.m.

Sandy has an affinity for chasing birds, frogs, rabbits, deer, dogs, people and cars. She chewed through her harness, urinated on my carpet, put a 6-inch tear in the kitchen linoleum and taught us a lot about dealing with difficult behaviors.

Just like a lot of difficult people, Sandy appeared well-behaved at first. Then slowly, her true personality appeared. She bit me several times. I'm sure she'd justify it as "just playing" but the scars and bruises on my forearms tell a different story. (If she was a difficult person, she might accuse me of being too sensitive.)

Sandy on a rabbit hunt

For all her challenging qualities, Sandy has a lot of redeeming ones too. Besides being cute, she made my daughter realize she didn't want to be a dog owner after all. And, after walking Sandy three times a day, I'm sporting some pretty impressive biceps!

My daughter learning the realities of owning a dog!

COLLEGE GRADUATION RATES EARNS "F"

2009-06-05T03:03:00.000-07:00

They may be called Four-Year Universities, but the reality is we should call them Six Years or Longer. A new study conducted by The American Enterprise Institute compared federally reported graduation rates at 1,385 schools. They found that only 53.7 percent of first-time, full-time students enrolled in the fall of 2001 graduated from the same institution in 2007.
The study does not account for students who transfer, nor does it suggest why students drop out or offer solutions.

Having worked in a college setting for two years, I can tell you that one reason students drop out or transfer is because of social difficulties. So much emphasis is placed on getting academically prepared, and that's definitely important. But, many students sink or swim based on making friends and getting along with roommates. Transferring schools is costly, both financially and in terms of lost time.

If you're the parent or grandparent of a soon-to-be college freshman, please encourage him or her to think about how conflicts with roommates will be solved. Most say they'll "deal with it if it happens." They have no plan and no conflict resolution skills. If that's the case, clean out your basement. Your kid may be coming home!

I just updated my survival guide for managing such situations called My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy! It offers over 250 conversation starters and solutions for solving roommate difficulties. These are skills everyone needs, no matter how long it takes to graduate! You can purchase it by clicking on the link above. It comes in two versions, hard copy or e-book. Include a copy as a gift when you're packing sheets and toilet paper - it'll come in just as handy!

FUN IN ANY LANGUAGE

2009-05-08T03:46:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness for Dora the Explorer! Parents may be familiar with the children's TV show that features a bilingual kindergartner who explores the jungles of Costa Rica with a map, backpack, compass, and friendly monkey. It's also helpful for adults who never learned a foreign language and will spend a week living with a family that speaks no English.

I'm embarrassed to say that the only Spanish I know came from watching that show with my daughter five years ago. Even so, our "voluntoursim" (volunteer + tourism) adventure in Costa Rica was a great success! We worked for Proyecto Asis, a wildlife refuge in San Carlos and lived with host family. In between, we experienced other parts of Costa Rica including ziplining and white water rafting.

For me, the best part was total cultural immersion with the host family. Somehow, we found a way to communicate in a mutual language that involved a lot of acting out of words. We learned that both families knew how to play the same card games, and spent our nights around the kitchen table playing Gin Rummy. While we were there life happend: a neighbor died and we celebrated my birthday. Anybody can experience the same tourist traps in a city, but those moments with our family were totally unique to us and cannot be duplicated. If you and your family think you might like to take a similar trip, check out Tropical Adventures.

Here are a few of the highlights of our trip:
We spent one night way up in the trees at the Tree House Resort. What an awesome experience to wake up surrounded by the tops of trees and a symphony of birds.

My daughter, Gabrielle with our host family's children and cousin as they headed off for school.

That's me ziplining in the jungle. Did you hear me scream?

My daughter, Gabrielle feeding a Kinkajou at the Wildlife Refuge.

Well, someone has to clean the cage of Perla, a white-lipped pecary!

Cooling off with a little white water rafting. I'm in front on the right, and my daughter is in the back - she held her own!

I can't think of a better way to have spent my 45th birthday! What a gift it was to experience the generosity of this family.

RIDING THE WAVES!

2009-03-29T15:31:00.001-07:00

Just had to post this photo from my visit to the U.S. National Whitewater Center in Charlotte, North Carolina. That's me in front, on the left. What an awesome time I had at this facility! Just before this photo was taken, I rode my first 1,000 foot zip line (and screamed the whole way!). I had never white water rafted before either, so I was plenty nervous.

What I love about this photo are the expressions on each woman's face. Pure exhilaration. Pure joy! It is a reminder to me how important it is to live in moment, even during turbulent times. It's still possible, and actually necessary to have a little fun.

RELATIONAL AGGRESSION TIPS FOR GIRLS AND PARENTS

2009-03-16T12:21:00.000-07:00

On Saturday March 21st, the Cleveland Plain Dealer is planning to run a story by reporter Sarah Crump on relational aggression. I've emailed and spoken with Sarah several times and it appears she will be writing a very well-researched and helpful piece.

At the time the story comes out, I will be attending the American Counseling Association conference, after having spoken at the Tri-State Camping Conference on this very issue. For parents whose girls attend camp, you know that the same issues can take place there too. Just in case parents may be searching for additional information, I wanted to post some tips I shared with Sarah Crump and offer other resources.

First, for girls who are being targeted, here are some tips:

• Determine what you control. You have no control over other people and circumstances. But, you have full control of how you respond. Your response can influence any situation therefore you’re not helpless.

• Choose your response. If another girl is being mean to you, there are four ways to respond: ignore her, be mean back, talk to her face-to-face, or tell an adult. While I'm not encouraging being mean back, I'm being honest in saying that it is an option. Most likely, you've already tried it. Now, it's time to honestly assess the best choice.

• Know the pros and cons. Ignoring a situation may work, but if things continue or get worse, it’s time for another response.

Being mean back may feel good in the moment, but it can also escalate bad feelings. Is it worth it?

Talking face-to-face can increase understanding but doesn’t guarantee cooperation or an apology.

If you’re feeling stuck, the situation is rapidly growing worse, or someone is in danger of being harmed, it’s time to ask an adult for help. Specify the help you want, especially if you fear the adult will take over.

• Express your stress. We make better decisions when we’re calm. Manage your stress daily through exercise, pursuing hobbies, journaling, talking to a trusted adult, prayer or meditation.

• Expand your friendships. Develop new friendships so that you’re not relying on one person. Measure healthy friendships by asking yourself, “After I spend time with this friend, how do I feel about myself?” If the answer isn’t positive, neither is the friendship.

Parents, if your daughter is a target of relational aggression, here are ways you can support her:

• Listen with empathy. Allow your daughter to describe her situation and express her feelings without interrupting, correcting, or minimizing. She needs to feel heard and at the same time, talking out loud helps her understand herself.

• Coach, don’t solve. Avoid taking over. Help your daughter sort through her options, but be careful about solving her problems. This is her chance to learn valuable conflict resolution skills.

• Skip empty platitudes. Telling girls, “Just ignore it,” or “That’s just how girls are,” leaves them feeling minimized and hopeless.

• Ask empowering questions. After your daughter explains her situation ask her, “What do want to do about this?” Help her weigh the pros and cons of her response. Ask her, “What part of this situation do you feel you can control?” to help her set reasonable expectations.

• Support healthy coping skills. Help your daughter develop healthy ways to manage stress such as exercise, hobbies, journaling, volunteering, faith, and expanding social connections.

I've posted a few videos on YouTube that you may find helpful. Also, check out my website for my E-Seminar BFF! (Except When We're Not): A Parent's Guide to Helping Girls Develop Healthy Friendships.

Finally, if you or your daughter would like to see me for counseling, please contact Lakeshore Educational & Counseling Services at 800-600-5327.

STAND OUT IN JOB INTERVIEWS

2009-02-28T03:27:00.000-08:00

The current economy is causing many people to brush up on their job interview skills. As you know, in a competitive marketplace, you're lucky to even land an interview. If you do, you certainly want to make a strong, positive impression. Here are five interview tips from my appearance on WKYC's Good Company (watch video).

1. Be consistent. Know how you want to come across and communicate that message consistently in every aspect of your communication. Consider your online social networking, how you answer the phone, voice mail message, ring tone, email signature, and of course how you communicate in person. You are always "on." Your job may not come from the interview, but from someone who you meet socially. Project a professional image in all circumstances.

2. Develop a five-point agenda. Based on the needs of the position, develop five strong talking points that you can support with specific examples that clearly illustrate why you are a good match. If you're going for a sales position, scan your personal history for examples of working with tough customers or winning over big sales. Supporting your strengths with a story makes you memorable and demonstrates proof of your skills.

3. Tell your story in 60-seconds or less. Be able to tell the above agenda points briefly! Attention-span is short and you must be compelling. Practice delivering your stories out loud. The last thing you want to do is ramble.

4. Focus on benefits. How will you benefit this company? People often make the mistake of saying why the job would be good for them, not the other way around. If you can't say how you could benefit the company or organization, don't bother interviewing.

5. Send a handwritten thank you note. Want to really stand out? Send an "old-fashioned" handwritten thank you note to the interviewer and the receptionist. Offer specific details from the conversation and recap. Why the receptionist? Because that person's opinion of you matters a great deal. If you were rude or unprofessional with him or her, then turned it on with the interviewer, the receptionist will often share this observation. Of course, check the spelling of names. One misspelling can ruin the whole effect!

Find more tips in my booklet, Positive First Impressions: 83 Ways to Establish Confidence, Competence, and Trust.

CALL TO SERVICE

2009-01-21T12:08:00.000-08:00

Change has come to America, but what about you? In his inaugural address, President Obama challenged Americans to roll up our sleeves and get to work in the name of service. Every where I go, I'm hearing people talk excitedly about how they'd like to contribute. They want to do something. What about you?

There are so many worthy projects, so many needs here and worldwide, that I think some people don't know where to start. The problems are so overwhelming, so instead, we do nothing.

If that's you, I'd like to add my own challenge: Start to make positive changes in your own circle of friends and family. I'm not talking about charity, but making connections, doing good deeds, and offering kind words. What if we just concentrated on being better spouses, parents, co-workers, and neighbors? I'm convinced that the change we're all looking for will come from within and move to larger circles. It's hard to serve large, nationwide projects when we don't serve the people in our own home and community.

So start to make that change, but start small, and keep at it until you've got it. The pay-it-forward method of service may not seem as glamorous as flying to a third world country, but I guarantee you it's a long-term investment with lasting benefits!

WILL POWER

2008-12-07T11:50:00.000-08:00

I'll be filling in as co-host on my husband's Cleveland radio show this month (Q104). As much as I look forward to "playing" on the air, timing is everything. I was NOT there in November when one of my favorite actors, Will Smith, was in studio - darn!

Will Smith with Cleveland's Q104 Morning Show Host, Allan Fee

I love this guy. His appeal for me is not so much his acting, but his positive spirit. If we could catch a little of this man's positive outlook, there's nothing we couldn't accomplish! He is the epitome of high emotional intelligence. He is very aware of his likability factor, how he affects others, and how to share his contagious spirit.

But, he's not just all about positive thinking - he's a man with a plan. When it came to transitioning from a TV star to making movies, he and his agent researched the top-ten grossing movies of all time. Here's what they found:

10 out of 10 had special effects
9 out of 10 had creatures
8 out of 10 had a love story

So, Smith set out to make movies that included these three proven success factors. Remember, "Independence Day" and "Men in Black"? There's a huge lesson here. When it comes to the field in which you want to be a success, document what other successful people do and DO IT. Seems so simple, but I find many clients get stuck trying to recreate the wheel. Someone, somewhere has walked before you. Find the most best example you can of the success you desire and become it.

Ask yourself, how does a successful person in my field speak? Dress? Behave? Think? What habits does he have? Who does she surround herself with? What books or education does this person possess? You get the idea. This applies to anything you want to achieve: healthy relationships, weight management, personal satisfaction, or career success.

For a little added inspiration, here is one of my favorite interviews with Will Smith when Steve Kroft profiled him on 60 Minutes in 2007. Part one contains a great story about a brick wall - how would you have responded to this challenge? Part two discusses his financial blunders and subsequent rise into movie stardom.

WORKSHOPS ON DEMAND

2008-11-06T04:11:00.000-08:00

Those who have heard me speak know that I believe conflict can foster creativity. If you never had a problem to solve, what else would inspire you to come up with new ideas? For some months I have been hearing from clients and individuals that they wanted to book or attend certain workshops of mine, but couldn't. Either I was speaking in a part of the country that required too much travel, or training budgets were too tight. I wanted to come up with a way that people who requested training could still receive it, but how?

I finally hit upon an idea that I believe is affordable and convenient. I have been busy creating a new training option I'm calling E-Seminars. Very soon you'll be able to choose from a number of my most requested topics and download the seminar right to your own computer!

E-Seminars will consist of a 60-minute podcast (MP3) and workbook (PDF) that you can download and listen to at your convenience. You'll be able to review and revisit the material at any time by saving it to your computer. And, here's the best news! Each E-Seminar is affordably priced at only $25!

The first E-Seminar to be offered will be one for parents called, BFF! (Except When We're Not). A Parent's Guide to Helping Girls to Develop Healthy Friendships. Visit my website, www.susanfee.com, for additional titles each month. If there is a particular topic you want produced as an E-Seminar, please let me know!

BAIL OUT OFFERS GOOD NEWS FOR MENTAL HEALTH!

2008-10-08T03:30:00.000-07:00

Americans are suffering plenty of stress these days due to Wall Street's financial turmoil. It's either ironic or tremendously good timing that included in Congress' bail out package is the passing of the Mental Health Parity bill which offers the same coverage for mental health needs as medical. Talk about tenacity - it took 12 years of work to get it passed! Read more from the American Counseling Association:

"After many long years of effort, ACA and other mental health advocates have gained the enactment of strong federal mental health and addictive disorder parity legislation. On Friday, October 3rd, the House of Representatives passed a financial rescue and tax policy bill, including landmark mental health and addictive disorder parity protections.

The section of the legislation on parity--entitled the Paul Wellstone and Pete Domenici Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act of 2008--will require most private sector health plans to provide insurance coverage for mental and addictive disorder services on the same terms and conditions as other types of care. The parity provisions had been included in a package of highly popular tax policy extensions approved recently by wide margins in both the House and Senate, but that had been stalled due to disagreements over the extent to which they should be paid for. The tax extenders, including the parity language, were combined with the financial rescue package passed by the Senate on Wednesday."

If you are suffering in these turbulent times, PLEASE don't hesitate to seek help from a licensed, qualified therapist. We are all working on our coping skills right now. If you have no idea where to start, always begin by taking care of yourself, then reaching out to others.

You'll find practical steps for dealing with adversity in my booklet, "Building Resiliency: 68 Coping Strategies for Surviving & Thriving During Adversity."

BULLYING INVISIBLE TO ADULT EYES

2008-09-08T07:27:00.000-07:00

The new school year has been underway for about a week and the bullying has begun. It doesn't take long for the bully-target relationships to become established. Some of the bullying will appear invisible to adult eyes because it will happen online or in the form of text messages. For girls, the bullying can be more subtle - just with an eye-roll or exclusion.

I'm pleased to be the keynote speaker for a conference on Cyberbullying and Relational Aggression taking place Saturday September 27 at the Lorain C.C.C. Spitzer Conference Center (Lorain, OH). Campus Impact is putting on the helpful event for educators, therapists, social workers, and anyone else concerned about this topic. Visit their web site to register or call 440-864-2011.

If you have questions or situations you'd like me to address during my presentation, please feel free to post them here! Also, consider starting a group for girls to teach them how to build and maintain healthy friendships with a copy of the Circle of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Facilitator's Guide.

EYE CANDY

2008-07-26T08:44:00.000-07:00

Mixing children and glass may not seem like a good idea unless you're renowned glass blower Dale Chihuly. I came across this amazing work called "Eye Candy" while visiting the Indianapolis Children's Museum. It's visible from all four floors of the museum where interesting facts are posted about the piece, like how it's dusted (very carefully...)

On the ground level, Chihuly found a way to actually make his art interactive by creating stations for kids to replicate the structure with similarly shaped and colored plastic pieces.

On the wall nearby is a framed copy of Chihuly's original rough draft notes when conceiving this piece. What impressed me so was that he not only imagined the art work, he also imagined how people would react to it. His drawings include kids shouting, "Cool!" and "Wow!" and "I want to try that!"

What a great lesson for all of his when considering having a conversation, pitching a new idea, or creating a presentation: Consider the affect you want to have on others, then create the work that will inspire that reaction. So often, I think we just concentrate on what we want to say, with little thought of how others may respond.

After spending four hours at this museum hearing kids squeal with delight and parents look up in amazement, I think Dale Chihuly has the process right. Everything he imagined came true, at least during my visit. All I can say is, "Wow! I want to try that!"

SUSAN'S SUMMER READING LIST

2008-05-31T03:38:00.000-07:00

There are so many ways to get information these days, why bother reading a book? Because it's good for your brain. Just like muscles, the brain benefits from a good workout and reading is more of a challenge than processing images or speech. You have the time to pause, imagine, infer meaning, and process insight. All this mental activity will help keep your memory sharp, your learning capacity nimble, and your mind hardier as you age.

So what are you waiting for? Pick up book and start working that brain! Here are few of my favorites. I'll be adding to the list as the summer progresses as I have a ton of new reads waiting to be devoured. Please post your favorites too. Let's start a thought revolution!

Sticking with the brain theme, I love this new book by John Medina. He offers 12 "rules" of the brain from the latest research that will help in every day life - like why you remember some people's presentations and not others, how stress really affects us, and the truth about multi-tasking. He makes some bold suggestions about how to overhaul our school system too.

A related book is The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine. If you've ever wondered why women (and teen girls) behave the way they do, you'll find the answers here!

Think you know what makes you happy? Think again! The author challenges every long-held conviction about what we think will make us feel fulfilled. This is not a how-to book about how to find happiness, he leaves that up to you, but this book may make you steer your search in a different direction.
If you've heard me speak about making a positive first impression, you've heard me quote this book. Gladwell offers compelling examples from business, fire fighting, police work, health care, and even personal relationships about the way we make snap judgments. He also wrote The Tipping Point, another thought-provoking book about marketing.

Although this book has been out for ten years, it's still every bit as relevant today. (In fact, Gladwell quotes it often in Blink.) If you've ever doubted your gut instincts, this book will prove how to trust those little red flags.

I love memoirs and I picked this one up quite by accident. I'm so glad I did. Haven Kimmel's writing is hysterical and touching. Here's what Publisher's Weekly said: It's a cliche‚ to say that a good memoir reads like a well-crafted work of fiction, but Kimmel's smooth, impeccably humorous prose evokes her childhood as vividly as any novel. Born in 1965, she grew up in Mooreland, Ind., a place that by some "mysterious and powerful mathematical principle" perpetually retains a population of 300, a place where there's no point learning the street names because it's just as easy to say, "We live at the four-way stop sign." Hers is less a formal autobiography than a collection of vignettes comprising the things a small child would remember: sick birds, a new bike, reading comics at the drugstore, the mean old lady down the street.

On my can't- wait-to-read-list is the new release from David Sedaris, "When in Engulfed in Flames." I've read every one of his books - so, so, funny. If you have yet to encounter his work, , you're in for a ride!

THANKS NACM!

2008-05-22T03:24:00.000-07:00

A big thanks to the National Association of Credit Management for having me back to speak at your annual Credit Congress. As always, your group is delightful to work with and your members are GREAT workshop participants.

If any of the folks in my sessions have follow up questions, post them here. I'm excited to hear of your progress as you practice new techniques. Remember to join me for my teleseminar in June on "Dealing With Difficult People."

All the best,
Susan

SEE YOU IN LOUISVILLE!

2008-04-23T03:47:00.000-07:00

(Photos: Brian Ebner/Optic Nerve) Speaking at the 2006
Athletic Business Conference

Hi to all the members of NACM who will be attending the national congress in Louisville. I'll be speaking on May 21 and I'd love to see you there! Here are my session times:

8:30-10:00 am Facilitation Skills
1:30-3:00 pm Secret of Change: Making the Emotional Connection

Email me questions ahead of time if you'd like. Or, if you'd like to set up individual coaching on any topic, I'm taking appointments 5/20 and 5/21 in the evening.

UP, UP AND AWAY!

2008-03-07T12:47:00.000-08:00

Yes! We did it! The skies cleared, the wind died down, and the Goodyear Blimp sailed into the sky yesterday with my dad in the co-pilot seat. When I saw him sit down and put on the headset, I was grinning and crying at the same time. I said a million thank yous in my head to answered prayers, to all who made the flight possible, and to my father for all he has done for me. What an amazing feeling to give something back to him.

Our whole family was able to go and we were joined by another couple. The man was 91 and had waited two years for his flight. It just goes to show that having life-long dreams keeps you young.

Watching the blimp coming out of the hangar.

My dad - 82 and proud of it!

Preparing for the six passengers to load for our one-hour flight.

My dad getting ready to cross one off his life list!

An unexpected bonus - Allan and Gabby were able to go up too! Thanks Goodyear! (Gabby was a little nervous, can you tell?)

MOVE OVER MEAN GIRLS!

2008-02-27T03:28:00.000-08:00

After months of writing, editing, planning and unexpected delays, my new Circle of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Facilitator's Guide has finally arrived! Like the anticipation of an overdue baby, I am thrilled to finally have it in my hands, and even more excited to get it into yours!

It's filled with over 65 small group activities to help girls ages 8-14 develop confidence, positive friendships, and emotional resiliency. The exercises are designed to help girls learn more about themselves and gain empathy for others.

If you work with girls in any capacity, from classrooms to camps to scouts - I believe you'll find the guide to be worthwhile. Plus, I'm offering one year of free support consultation to implement the ideas - so look out mean girls! A new dialogue is about to begin.

ARE YOU SATISFIED WITH YOUR CAREER?

2008-02-03T08:33:00.000-08:00

Do you wake up every day excited about your job? Or, do you feel like you're just earning a paycheck until you figure out what you really want to do? I believe every person has unique strengths. The most satisfied individuals know and value their strengths, and build a career and lifestyle around them.

If you're feeling stuck or dissatisfied with your career, join me Tuesday February 26 1:00-4:30 PM at the Holiday Inn in Independence, OH for my workshop, Strength-Based Career Management. You'll learn why it's a waste of time trying to be "well-rounded" and how to re-discover what you've been good at for a long, long time but may not have had the courage to acknowledge.

This program is sponsored by the Cleveland Chapter of the National Association of Credit Managers and is OPEN TO THE PUBLIC. The fee is $55 . To register call (440) 871-7878. Feel free to post your questions here pre-program. Hope to see you there!

CHANGE YOUR LIFE IN 2008!

2007-12-15T03:52:00.000-08:00

Are you ready to make a change in your life? Maybe you've tried before and it just didn't work. Or, you know you want to change something, but what? How?

I'll address these questions and offer specific steps you can take when I speak at the Lakeshore Professional Retreat taking place February 1 & 2 at the Embassy Suites Hotel, Independence, OH. It's two days filled with education, networking, and relaxation. Do as little or as much as you want!

On Friday night following dinner, I'll present "The Seat of Change: Making the Emotional Connection" (6:30-8:30 PM). Saturday, I'll present, "Strengths-Based Career Management" at 8:30 am AND 1:15 pm. There will be several other speakers and vendors.

For more information, prices, and registration contact Lakeshore Educational & Counseling Services at 800-600-5327.

UPCOMING MEDIA APPEARANCES!

2007-11-17T05:18:00.000-08:00

The holiday season is upon us, and for some that means spending way too much time with annoying relatives! If that's your story, tune in Monday November 19th to Cleveland's Good Company (channel 3, 10:00-11:00 a.m.). I'll be offering survival tips on managing the pressures of extended family.

If you need more than tips and want to talk about reducing your stress levels, consider a few counseling sessions. You can make an appointment to see me in Independence by calling Lakeshore Educational & Counseling Services at 800-600-5327.

On Friday December 14th, I'll be joining my husband once again for the Q104 morning show (5:30-10:00 a.m. EST). Tune in live or online. We'd love to hear from you!

Take care,

Susan

PARENTS, ATTEND THIS FREE COLLEGE & CAREER PLANNING SEMINAR

2007-11-12T02:56:00.000-08:00

If you're the parent of a teenager headed for college, trade school, or the military I highly suggest you attend the Parent Education Series Wednesday November 14, 7:00-9:00 PM at Cuyahoga Valley Career Center in Brecksville.

It's free, but you have to register online or by calling 440-746-8115. The organizers have a terrific line up of topics and I'll be speaking on Developing Self-Reliant Students. It's perfect for helping you and your child think ahead for those last couple years in high school and beyond.

Hope to see you there!

Susan

FOCUS ON THIS

2007-10-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

For readers of my Communication Tip Sheet, scroll down for the debrief:

What you focus on expands. This is especially apparent when we’re upset with someone. It’s as if we put on glasses that filter out everything but annoying traits that we compile to make our (distorted) case.

Instead, what would happen if we focused on what’s going right, or solutions versus problems? This does not mean problems should be ignored. It’s important we acknowledge situations that need to be changed. But, the only way change comes is by focusing on it.

We are constantly blocking out helpful information because we are so focused on supporting our pre-determined story. Test yourself. Watch this video of students playing basketball and count the number of times the white-shirt team passes the ball. IMPORTANT: Watch the video before reading any further!

DEBRIEF: When you were busy counting the number of passes, did you notice the person dressed in a gorilla suit enter the picture? After beating his chest several times, he exits. If you did, congratulations! Most people miss the whole thing.

If right now you're saying, "What gorilla?" Watch it again! Then look around. What else might you be missing?

LESSONS FROM THE GRAND CANYON

2007-10-24T04:02:00.000-07:00

The searing pain inmy calves should disappear in a few more days, but my memories of hiking the Grand Canyon will last a lifetime. What an awesome, inspiring trip! The scenery was breathtaking, but I was just as inspired by the company of the three women who hiked with me ranging in age from 53-34. Three of us are moms and one of them, Jen, is pregnant with her fourth! (Yes, she had doctor approval.)

At times, I laughed so hard I peed my pants, which is not good when there's no bathrooms for the next five miles. We laughed at jokes that couldn't possibly translate to anyone but us as we found out when we tried to explain them to our significant others. Finally, we settled on, "You had to be there." This is how a deep sense of bonding is created. We physically and mentally conquered something together. That feeling comes anytime we can "get to the other side" of a challenge with someone, even when it's a rough patch in a relationship.

The trip meant something different to each of us. I've been in a playgroup with Kathy (far right) since our kids were two years old. When I asked her why she wanted to hike the Grand Canyon she told me she had nothing to prove. "I knew I could do it, that wasn't it. I just wanted to find out what would happen when I did." That's Kathy, ever curious! So, what happened? "It hurt!"

Jen (far left) is Kathy's cousin and I will be always be thankful for her for making us slow down, stop, and take pictures. She would stop and say, "Look! Are you appreciating this? We came down from there!" In addition to keeping us entertained with wacky family stories, she also put the trip in perspective: "On other vacations I get home and return to the grind immediately. This time, when I feel like complaining about holding everyone's coat, or when I'm tired from wiping noses, I'll always know that I made it down to the canyon and back, and nothing could ever be that challenging."

Andrea and I have been friends ever since meeting at a writer's workshop seven years ago. Just like a great writer, her answer about the trip's significance was succinct: "It reminds me how capable I am." We all felt that way after making it across the suspension bridge, crossing the Colorado river, one mile to go before reaching Phantom Ranch.

I lost my mother to a debilitating stroke when I was 12-years-old. I learned the hard way that time stands still for no one. For me, this trip reminds me simply that I am alive.

REGISTER NOW FOR PARENTING SEMINARS

2007-09-24T03:30:00.000-07:00

It happens like clockwork every year: School starts and about a month later the emails and calls start rolling in about Mean Girls. Friendships have already been tested, territory established, and tears shed (and that's just from the parents). If you are the parent of a daughter, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I've scheduled two workshops to help provide solutions:

Mean Girls: Helping Your Daughter Develop Positive Friendships
Tuesday October 28, 2007 6:30-8:30 PM

Full Esteem Ahead! Building and Maintaining Girls' Self-Esteem
Tuesday October 30, 2007 6:30-8:30 PM

Both workshops will be held in Independence, the same place where I will offer my program for girls ages 7-12 called Circle of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. A new session starts October 28-November 18.

For more information and to register, call Lakeshore Educational & Counseling Services at (440) 963-0402 or 800-600-5327. Space is limited, so reserve your spot now!

151 is the New 43!

2007-09-10T04:01:00.001-07:00

YES! I DID IT! That's what I was thinking as I crossed the finish line of my first half-marathon. As a novice runner, this was a huge accomplishment for me. It was even more special to have my husband and daughter there cheering me on.

151 was my race number, and no matter what, I'll always remember crossing that finish line as one of my benchmarks for my 43rd year. Just like everyone, I experience challenges and frustrations. If I ever feel like I can't handle them, I'll have this memory to remind me what I can accomplish.

I want to encourage you to do the same. Create a movie in your mind of your successes. Make it as vivid as possible! Play that movie anytime you hit a rut to remind yourself what you're made of.

When I crossed the finish line into a sea of people, I heard my daughter Gabby yell, "Mom!" and I instantly cried. This one is in my heart forever!

What are you most proud of? Let me know, I'd love to hear your stories.

Take care,

Susan

My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy!

2007-08-13T11:38:00.000-07:00

Today's topic on Good Company was preparing college students for potential roommate issues. See the video here.

My advice for students (and parents) is to EXPECT conflict - yes, expect it. Even if you are planning to room with your best friend. Disagreements are natural and in fact, it teaches you the skill of resolution. It's the student who falls apart at the first fight, or keeps it all inside, that gets into trouble.

I interviewed hundreds of students for my book (and talked to plenty as a college counselor). I wrote a book and a site specifically on this topic which you may find useful. You'll find it at www.myroommateisdrivingmecrazy.com.

Be sure and read my free tips on rooming with a best friend, how to live with your opposite, and questions to ask a new roommate.

If you have roommate stories (good or bad) share them here!

Take care,

Susan

Room With a View

2007-08-03T05:15:00.000-07:00

Hi All,

Here's a picture from my Dad's deck near Seattle. It doesn't get much better than this as far as I'm concerned! This is my yearly retreat to my home in the Northwest. This is the time of year that I think about the upcoming year, dream up new ideas and let go of things that didn't work from the previous year. I do a lot of running and hiking (getting ready for that half marathon) and strolling on the beach. It's amazing how a change in environment seems to loosen up my creativity.

I'm already planning some exciting projects for the fall, including parenting seminars. Keep checking out the website for the latest!

Take care of yourself and give yourself the gift of periodic breaks.

More later,

Susan

HEALTHY ROLE MODELS FOR TEENS

2007-06-28T02:37:00.000-07:00

Is Paris Hilton a role model? I think not! However, that was the question yesterday on Cleveland's Good Company.
Cick here to watch the video.
Whether parents recognize it or not, we are our children's role models. They WANT to look up to us, so we need to give them something to be proud of. The best example we can provide is to live healthy, happy, satisfied lives. Appreciate your skills and abilities - use them to their fullest extent. Appreciate your body and invest in your health. Those messages speak volumes to our children.

If you need help, consider parent coaching. I have more information on my website. Look under "coaching" at www.susanfee.com.

Take care,

Susan

UPCOMING MEDIA APPEARANCES!

2007-06-27T03:59:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone!

I just returned from two weeks on the road conducting on-site training for a number of clients on various topics. Great to work with each and every one of you! I ask a lot of my workshop participants - no sitting back. I'm hired to encourage change, and that requires that people be willing to drop the walls and do something different. I ask you to challenge a lot of previous assumptions and that can be uncomfortable. I appreciate those of you willing to take the ride with me.

Back in Cleveland, I have a number of upcoming media appearances,and most will be accessible online. Here's the line-up:

Wednesday June 27: Good Company (WKYC TV, Channel 3) 10-11 am. Topic: Finding Positive Role Models for Children. I'll post the online video link here later today.

Thursday June 28: Family Matters Radio Program (WHK 1420 AM, Cleveland) 3:30-4:00 PM. Topic: Mean Girls, Helping Our Daughters Develop Positive Friendships. This program streams live and posts old shows. Visit www.familymattersradio.com

Monday July 2: Q104 Morning Show (Cleveland) - co-hosting from 5:30-10:00 am. Listen online at www.Q104.com

Wednesday July 11: Good Company (WKYC TV, Channel 3) 10:00-11:00 am. Topic: Circle of FRIENDS Summer Camp for Girls! We still have openings; camp runs July 16-20. Register by calling 800-600-5327.

Monday July 9: Q104 Morning Show (Cleveland). Back again 5:30-10 am! Listen live to 104.1 or online www.q104.com.

If you have questions on any of the topics - let me know!

Take care of yourself,

Susan

From Third to First

2007-06-01T03:48:00.000-07:00

I had the great pleasure of seeing Elliot Yamin perform over the weekend at Cleveland's Rib Cookoff (yes, from the side of the stage, thanks to my husband!)

Elliot came in third place in last year's American Idol, and you'd never know that he didn't "win." He possess so much soul, passion, and integrity. Because he came in third, he didn't get the big record deal. He went out on his own and independently produced his own album. It's the best thing that could have happened to him.

His story reminds me how often we get blinded by wanting a certain outcome - that number one position - that we lose sight of what can happen when we are left to struggle. For every person who doesn't get the promotion, for every person whose heart gets broken by "the one" for every college student who doesn't get into their top choice - KEEP GOING! Give thanks. You are now free to follow the path you were meant to be on all along.

Take care,
Susan

15 GOING ON 16

2007-05-25T02:21:00.000-07:00

Thanks to all the listeners of Cleveland's Q104 for supporting me on the air yesterday as I filled in for the traveling Rebecca Wilde. After co-hosting with my husband, the most common feedback I receive is, "You sound so natural together; the conversation really flows." It should - we've been married almost 16 years!

Honest, open communication between spouses is not always easy, but it is certainly attainable. Signs of healthy communication include feeling safe, trusting, empathy, respect, and understanding. Do you laugh easily and often with one another?

If you and your spouse struggle, or have hot topics that you simply cannot discuss, consider couples counseling to help you understand what to do differently. You can book an appointment with me or another counselor through Lakeshore Educational & Counseling Services by calling 800-600-5327.

Take care of yourself!
-Susan, www.susanfee.com

WAKE UP CALL: 3:30 AM

2007-05-09T03:55:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone!

I'll be co-hosting the Q104 Morning Show again with my husband Thursday May 24th. If you're not a Clevelander, you can listen live on the internet.

Have a relationship story or question? Call in and share it. We'd love to hear what's on your mind!

-Susan

TIME DOES NOT HEAL ALL WOUNDS!

2007-05-04T03:17:00.000-07:00

"Just give it some time and you'll feel better." You've heard that saying before, right? Baloney. Time by itself is just time. It matters what you do with it. When it comes to recovering from a breakup, some people move on quickly, but some people choose to stay bitter, angry, and sad for years.

Healthy healing means making healthy choices. For ideas on how to do that, watch my interview from Good Company (video link at bottom of page.)

For more tips on how to recover from a breakup, check out my booklet Building Resiliency: 68 Coping Strategies for Surviving & Thriving During Adversity.

Take care of yourself!

Susan

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

2007-04-21T02:43:00.000-07:00

Surviving a break up is my next topic on Good Company. I'll be on the show Thursday May 3, 10-11 am EST. Do you have a break up story or question you want answered? Post it any time!

I'll post the video here later that day if you can't catch the show live.

Take care of yourself!

Susan

HOW HAPPY ARE YOU? TAKE THIS QUIZ!

2007-04-13T03:03:00.000-07:00

How happy are you? Are you satisfied with your life, or do you want more? Dr. Robert Holden is a psychologist, founder of the Happiness Project in England and the author of Happiness Now! (Hodder Mobius; New Ed edition, 1999)

To measure life satisfaction, he created the following statements. Read them and then use the 1–7 scale to rate your level of agreement and add your answers together.

1 = Not at all true
4 = Moderately True
7 = Absolutely True

1. In most ways, my life is close to ideal.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

2. The conditions of my life are excellent.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

3. I am satisfied with my life.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

4. So far I have gotten the important things I want in life.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

5. If I could live my life over, I would change almost nothing.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

If you scored 15 or under, you are dissatisfied with your life. If you scored 31 or higher, you are extremely satisfied with your life.

If you scored somewhere in the middle, Holden shared this advice on Oprah's TV show: the key to being happy is overcoming "destination addiction," which he defines as "living in the not-now."

"It's always about tomorrow, so you're chasing 'more,' 'next' and 'there,'" he says. "You promise yourself that when you get there, you'll be happy. And I promise you, you won't, because you'll always set another destination to go for."

Does this describe you? If so, counseling can help! April is Counseling Awareness Month and I want to do my part to build awareness of how counseling can positively influence lives. If you have a positive story about how counseling helped you make a change, please share it. And, if you are ready to make a change in your life, visit the counseling page of my website to learn more.

As, always, take care of yourself!

Susan

WATCH SUSAN'S TV INTERVIEW ON HOW TO MANAGE STRESS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

2007-04-02T10:56:00.000-07:00

Everyone experiences stress and that can certainly affect your personal relationships (and/or be the source of stress!) I talked with Michael Cardamone and Eileen McShea today on Cleveland's Good Company. Click here to watch the TV interview.

Stress needs to be managed. If your pattern is to let it build up to the point that you blow up, it's time to find healthier alternatives. The damage caused to our relationships during blow ups can be deeply hurtful and sometimes irreparable. I've listed several stress management tips in my booklet "Building Resiliency: 68 Coping
Strategies for Surviving and Thriving During Adversity." You can find out more on my
website.

Take care of yourself!

Susan

RELATIONSHIP STRESS!

2007-03-31T03:14:00.000-07:00

Tax bills, kids, work, inlaws....there are all sorts of ways that stress can enter a relationship. Watch Monday as I talk about how to give your relationship "shock absorbers" on Cleveland's Good Company (WKYC-TV, 10:00-11:00 am EST). If you can't watch live, check back here Monday afternoon and I'll post a link to the interview.

If you have specific questions for me, post them any time!

Take care,

Susan

TRUE COURAGE

2007-03-27T03:13:00.000-07:00

My husband and I attended the Heartthrob Ball this past weekend for the Children's Hospital in Cleveland. Any time you think you're having a tough day, take a walk down the hallways of any Children's hospital and you'll be reminded what true courage is. Four kids were honored for their courage and their stories are simply remarkable. Congrats to the families who support them and the doctors and staff who care for them. Bravo! As many of you know, I have a deep interest in the topic of resiliency - especially in teaching kids to cultivate the skill. We all have a lot to learn from the life stories shared with us this very special evening. Thank you again!

MEAN GIRLS WORKSHOP

2007-03-18T03:57:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone in Clarkston, Washington and neighboring communities who attended my Mean Girls Workshop! This was my second visit since December and I appreciate working with people who care so deeply about understanding the topic of relational aggression. A special thank you to Carmel Donohue for arranging my workshops.

Regarding the questions I received about making the Circle of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. program available nationwide - it's in the works! By June 1, the Educator Package will be available so anyone can offer and facilitate the same curriculum. It will include the facilitator's guide, reproducible handouts, CD training, conversation card deck and more. Keep checking my website for updates. Until then, if you have any questions or discussion items, please post them here.

Take care,

Susan

2011 Update! See below for a number of resources that I've developed since this original post:

Circle of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Facilitator's Guide

BFF! (Except When We're Not) DVD

BFF! (Except When We're Not) E-Seminar

Dealing with Mean Girls: A Parent's Guide to Helping Girls Develop Healthy Friendships

After "I Do"

2007-03-12T10:56:00.000-07:00

What do you say after, "I do"? Watch my relationship segment from today's Good Company.

Big weddings are fun, but marriage is a process, not an event! Invest as much energy into your marriage as you do planning your wedding day, and you'll be on your way to a successful union.

By the way, if you can spend thousands for a dress, flowers, cake, and decorations, why not spend a couple of hundred dollars in pre-marital counseling? You'll be investing something to last a lifetime versus one day. If you are considering getting married, I strongly encourage you to make an appointment. You can reach me through Lakeshore Educational & Counseling Services (440) 963-0402 or 800-600-5327.

All the best!

Susan

NEWLYWED TO LONGTIME WED

2007-03-09T02:30:00.000-08:00

What does it take to make marriage last? I'll be sharing tips Monday March 12th on WKYC TV's Good Company (10:00-11:00 AM, Cleveland). If you can't watch the program live, check back here Monday afternoon and I'll provide a video link.

Meanwhile, if you're engaged or have been married less than a year, and want to know how to keep the fire going - post your questions here!

Have a great weekend,

Susan

NOW HIRING! (YOUR KIDS)

2007-03-06T02:08:00.000-08:00

I just read an interesting article in the WSJ (3/5/07, Page B4) called "Hiring Becomes a Family Affair." Apparently some companies are embracing the trend of helicopter parents by courting them in order to hire their kids. For example, Merrill Lynch invited both parents and students to an open house, gave tours, and allowed parents to ask questions in hopes they would push their kids to accept an internship. Employers say this strategy cuts down on parental over-involvement later since parents were involved early on.

While I admire the savvy creativity of companies embracing a trend, I'm concerned that some parents are still orchestrating their children's lives post college. I can't tell you how many clients I see in their late twenties and thirties who are dissatisfied with their lives, mostly because they lived it for their parents rather than by their own choices. Or, these same individuals cannot solve everyday problems because their parents have always stepped in and saved them.

Save your kid a quarter-life crisis! Offer guidance; coach them with skills, but let them make their own career decisions. Making mistakes is part of the learning process. Let them discover what interests them, what it takes to live independently, how to negotiate relationships. Wisdom comes from both factual and experiential learning. Parents don't have the right to take that away from their children.

Agree or disagree? I'm interested in your comments.

PRE-CONFERENCE QUESTIONS FOR TRI-STATE

2007-03-04T07:19:00.000-08:00

I'm excited to be presenting for the third year at the Tri-State Camping Conference! I'll be delivering three workshops:

Stressed-Out Girls
Coaching Skills for Managers
Building Team Communication

I invite conference attendees to post any questions or challenging situations that you would like addressed. I will be sure to include them in my presentations. I'm looking forward to seeing you all.

-Susan